All Sweetness and Light

you know you wanna

so grumpy bum boy is off being buried alive in a hole in the snow for his fun and games territorial army shit. seriously, my tax money is being spent on sending a load of toy soldiers off to play in the snow? what in case we go to war with Switzerland?

ah well.

what this means for me is a super lovely peaceful house and that I'm four days in to give up smoking attempt number 2345.a.

the one downer to the alone time is that little cat has chicken pox. poor wee mite. he being super brave tho.

we been having a great time but he really does miss his dad. oh I spose I might miss him a bit too. but really don't miss the constant shouting. since Friday morning I haven't been shouted at/told off/ whined at/tutted at. tis blissful. stomach tying up in knots at the thought of his grumpy return.

sigh.

when he happy he fine but he just so god damn miserable. I don't want to live under the constant black cloud.

he doesn't mean to do it and before he went away he was trying really really hard not so be such a misery. almost succeeded. but now I'm on such a knife edge that the slightest slip from him, a tut, a voice volume slightly raised and my nerves are twanged, my back is up and I'm on the defensive.

bah.

what's all this shit about having to work at relationships? rubbish. I've never had to work at one before and I really don;t want to have to now. if it's too hard run away, surely that's the rule. stupid baby/tattoo/mortgage combo makes that slightly harder tho.

and I quite fancy having little cat number two...

think I just need some way to tune him and his moods out when he back home. I've almost sorted out the living room downstairs so perhaps having another room to hide in might help?

dunno.

anyways poo to long blogs and yay to twitter. come try if you haven't. I having ace fun stalking minor celebs and spouting stream of conscious nonsense in under 140 characters

bit bored of blogging right now. gone all twittery instead. come follow me @tinyminds if you want to know what I just had for lunch and how much bombay mix I have stuck in my bra.

on the plus side the updates are v short so less room for rants!

soon I'll tire of that too and just start shouting how I'm feeling at strangers in the street out of the window

well that was less fun than I remember snow being...

got up to snow snow everywhere. feeling happy that it was monday and sure that a little bit of snow wouldn't shut the nursery me and little cat head off into the white.

hmmm.

really wish I had a snow plow on the front of the buggy. where it was really deep I had to do wheelies to get through it.

it'll be okay tho, it's only down the hill a bit....

text from the boy, his trains were cancelled. he on the way home. poop. well maybe he can give me a hand... I might need it.

make it to the nursery, the last hill is the worse... and of course, its closed.

brilliant.

try to get back up the last bit of hill. fail.

nice man helps me carry the buggy over the worse bit but I still don't have a hope of getting home up the big bit of hill.

sob.

little cat started out quite interested by all the white stuff and saying snow snow snow (well more like no, no, no but I know what he meant) but was becoming a bit grumpy that he was trapped in the buggy and cold.

phone the boy. he's having a cup of tea.

try again to make it up the hill. fail. phone the boy. he's on his way. slowly.

get almost all the way there but come to a complete stop in the side road leading to our house. it's at the bottom of a bit of hill and all filled up with snow.

great.

I let little cat of out the buggy to have a play while we wait and wait and wait for daddy.

and wait.

he gets there and we struggle home. little cat hopping into knee deep drifts. where are the bloody gritters ah? I demand grit!

so all at home and I suddenly realize that I am going to have another day with grumpy boy and I can't face it so I go to work instead.

which meant an hour and a bit horrible walk down a steep steep hill in the stupid slippy snow and I've twisted my back from nearly falling over and everyone else was out playing in the snow and taking photos and all my feet and legs are all wet and cold and it's still better than another day stuck in the house with him (not little cat I hasten to add! the big grumpy boy)

bah.

but it's warm here and no one is shouting at me so it's all good. no idea at all how I'm gonna get home. really hope they get the buses running or I'm gonna have to either get a taxi of find someone with skis (who can teach how to use skis... uphill).

this morning there was a report on the news about catching a virus which makes you fat, I just heard the headline while chasing little cat around trying to get his shoes on... so I said "quick, run away from daddy or you'll catch fat!".

now to me this was funny cause the image of running from a fat virus is amusing and toy soldier boy isn't fat, so also funny. not like world stoppingly hilarious but you know, brief giggle.

his response was "there's only one person in this house who's clinically obese."

and on seeing my face at that he said "I don't know why you're so upset, you know you're fat"

brilliant.

now to my mind this wasn't funny. it was just offensive and rude. and makes me want to leave him.

but maybe I'm wrong. basically in his head I just called him fat and he responded in kind. I don't think he could see the difference between what either of us said. so maybe it's me not him.

nope, it's him. there is actually something wrong with him. I think he's a sociopath. he just can't work out how other people think and react. I think he pretends to have all the right emotions and stuff but it feels like he's practiced them in front of a mirror.

it's like being in an advert where there's the woman who just witters on and on about stuff and the man who doesn't listen and gets it wrong when asked if her bum looks big in this. it would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

I don't just witter on. people other than him are sometimes interested in what I have to say. when I talk to people other that him they acknowledge what I've said and sometimes join in and have what's known as a conversation.

see there I go again, my life sounds like a fucking male female cliché. but I have never dated someone like this before, so filled with all the negative male stereotypes who then forces me to become the female stereotype. do you think I want to nag you? do you think I like it? but if I don't keep asking you to do the fucking thing you said you were gonna fucking do then you won't fucking do it will you? and yes I have tried just asking once, taking you at your word but you are a lazy selfish motherfucker.

god I can't wait till he's posted to a fucking war zone for six months. it's gonna be like a holiday from the soul crushing grumpiness he exudes.

I hate him. I really do.

but tonight he will come home with shopping covered in yellow price reduction labels from the supermarket. he will want to show me his bargains. he will say I'm sorry if I was a monkey, sometimes I say the wrong things. he will want a cuddle and say how much he loves me and little cat. and for the sake of a quiet life I will let is go again and be almost near to happy for a bit.

is this what it's supposed to be like? is this the best I'm gonna get? are you just supposed to put up with all the shit for the brief moments of calm? is this what he means when he says you have to work at a relationship? I've never done that before. if it wasn't fun I'd walk away (eventually). are you supposed to stay even when it makes you want to stick your head in the oven every weekend cause you have two full days of his company?

dunno.

well he certainly killed my monday happy this week.

one of my little robots has had a slice of internet fame and got picked up by lots of lovely nerdy blogs and stuff. yay. last time that happened I got loads of sales.

unfortunately as you can see by my comments on the article it is also a wee bit embarrassing...

and the first time I have had the occasion to use the phrase "not a rubber wrapped wang" on the interweb.

giggle.

gone red again. yay. was feeling all wintery and rubbish but bright red hair does wonders to cheer a person up

I was so tempted to dye little cats hair while I was at it (he was intrigued by the process and seemed to like the end result). I mean he has really light blonde hair the red would have gone on perfectly on him.

but I resisted.

twas an okay weekend apart from toy soldier boy having a bit of man pmt. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him sometimes, anything can set him off into a grumpy rage. he doesn't even know he's doing it.

sigh.

I blame not getting enough sex.

little cat is sleeping okayish now tho. this morning I heard a yelp of him waking up at around 6.30 but then he stayed happy till 7.00 which was nice. when I went into his room to get him I found his happily playing with one of his soft toys. he pointed to it and said baboo (boob) and cat cat (he suddenly started pronouncing the c on the weekend so now it's no longer gat gat, clever monkey). so basically he had decided his toy miffy rabbit was a cross between and breast and a cat and this kept him happy for half an hour

happily toddled to work this morning to meet my old upstairs neighbour at the bus stop who told me that at the end of last week seven people got made redundant.

poop.

so it's not too cheerful here.

and I have no work to do.

slightly worrying.

I spose I could always do my etsy shop full time

hmm well as I didn't get an sales last week maybe not!

they have just added the code so we get Google analytics on our shops. yay. I am in stat heaven. I'm making custom filters and stuff and collating interesting info. tis most nerdy fun

probably should be trying harder to find some actual work at work but what the hey!

Tuesday the best of all the days

even tho yesterday at work I was firefighting on the project from hell and it's mate the project from demihell it was still a pleasant change from holiday chez fallingdownhousegrumpyfamilypukeycat.

and today is even better.

dropped the babalink off at my mums, quiet read on the train back, slow wander around the shops with no little man trying to steal things or throw things and no big man telling me not to buy stuff.

toddle to work eating a big ole donut.

have a bit of a surf. coffeeeeee. fag. think about doing some work.

a bit urgent, beta going out blah blah blah but nothing that's gonna break a finger nail.

and tonight. ahhh tonight.

the first night all on my own for soooo long.

first I gonna clean the swamp of a kitchen, put some laundry on, scrape out the frankly rank cat litter (as little cat would say, bat pooo), throw all of his toys in a boy, try and track down the tv remote that has been missing for two weeks now (I think little cat flushed in down the bog), make some junk food, roll up the biggest joint you have ever seen, open some wine and play with my wii.

I shall stay up late safe in the knowledge that when I do go to bed I won't be woken. I shall get up at a leisurely 7.30/8.00 and sedately make my way to work.

can not wait.

god bless you Tuesday and all who sail in you

mr blabbermouth had to put pen to email to check I was still alive with all the lack of blogging so lets have a quick update....

er....

alive.

little cat walks and talks (well says cat poo, eyebrow and falls over a lot), toy soldier boy is super annoying but almost definitely being shipped off to Afghanistan for six months in October so I can't be too mean about him, I is worn out from the holidays and the happiest person to be back at work for a lovely rest.

I have snuggle overload. little cat, annoying boy (when we were not fighting) and squeak the cat all demanded snuggles for all of the holidays and now I have run out. there are no more left.

what else?

went out for beers at mr and mrs jewish mothers on new years. was supposed to take the family but they were both a bit grumpy so I went solo.... and got very pissed.... and came home very late.... and got super told off. I guess leaving the boy on his own with a screaming babalink for new years was a bit mean but he should have come with.

got a wii for xmas (got the boy a violin, wow what a bad idea that was!) and love love love my wii. and making wii/ennui jokes.

my mum was ill for an entire month with a flu thing but is better now which means she took little cat for a night. my first night in over a month without little cat. god that was needed!

don't think the boy has had a night at home without little cat before... which is probably why he kept waking me up to tell me he heard him crying.

sigh.

was going to have a lie in but unfortunately the fish pond froze over and sprang a leak at the same time so I had to spend a very very cold exhausting morning fishing out fishies, scooping out mud, hacking off paving slabs and replacing liners.

what fun.

with the boy saying helpful things like " the paving slabs are frozen, you really need to do this on a sunny day"

what? really? you mean it would be easier to do if every splash of water didn't freeze as soon as it hit the ground? wow why didn't I think of that?

arghhhhhh.

anyways now the fish are dead happy but there is pond liner over the paving slabs and hanging off the edge of the stupid pond so if it was at all possible our garden now looks even worse than it did.

sigh.

I didn't even want fish. I just couldn't watch them all die.

not on my watch!

so now back at work.

ahhh it really is lovely.

it's quiet. no one wants a cuddle or their bum changed. ace

ahh tis good to have a wee break from my boys each week. had a lovely night last night.

was gonna go out on the beers but the parcel that I picked up from the post office at lunch turned out to be a mahoosive knitting machine I had accidentally impulse brought off ebay...

bit too big to lug around the pub.

so off home I toddled with funny looks and a box as tall as me (which is very tall, I'm a giant I'll have you know, 5.5 and a half is dead tall and I won't have otherwise argued)

I'd heard that knitting machines are a pain in the bum so was not expecting a whole lot from my second hand huge thing with it's pictures of eighties ladies in the most ugly jumpers you ever did see all over the box.

but it was actually pretty damn cool.

so now I have a cozy liccle button up neck warmer doodad. why have I never seen these before this year? they rock.

all the snuggly of a scarf without the getting caught up on door handles/lifts/escalators/small dog hassles that my usual down to the ground twice round my neck scarves gave me.

aces.

course I can only do square and rectangles so far but I have a cunning plan for tubes. matching leg arm and neck warmers here we come!

so that was fun.

also was amused by skip divers as I got home. we'd plonked two old buggies in the skip. one where the wheel fell off and one that I just never liked. they'd been sat in the shed so were rusty and damp. but still it seemed good enough for the neighbourhood kids to excitedly run off with. fingers crossed to make into go carts rather than push their sprogs round in tho

I've always been a skip diver myself but felt oddly violated when someone else was fiddling round with my junk. recycling is good I guess. they better not try to dump them back again after they've had their fun and the skip is gone tho!

so after the knitting fun I smoked the teeny tiniest bit of weed that I had left which was just enough to make the film jumper the best ever.

then to bed and slept like a log till 7.30.

fandabidosie.

so oddly cheerful today. even tho the boy is gonna be as grumpy as a grumpy thing when he gets home cause on monday night the cat chose his shoes of all places to have a nice big puke and even tho I cleaned it off in the morning he is still gonna stomp and growl. sigh.

and little cat will be super bouncy when I get him home and will want to run riot. and I won't be able to have another play with the knitting machine till he is like 10 or something.

but still cheerful

first thing on a monday morning I was booked to do some customer service training.

tee hee.

anyone who knows me would know that that was not destined to go well.

the whole company has been put on this thing even if, like me, you only have 'internal clients' is it just me or does internal clients sound a bit yucky? yup.

anyways it was all very blah, I tried to not look too bored. failed. there were only four of us including julie burchills hubby (bet he loves being called that). we both expressed a hatred of role play shit before we went in and hope there wouldn't be any. vain hope of course.

there was indeed role play but I must have looked rather reluctant cause she made everyone but me do it.

score. my unbroken record of avoiding role play (unless it's rude) is intact.

part of the training was saying that even if the client is annoying and stupid you should not get cross or let your irritation show in your voice. I asked how one does that. that would actually be a useful skill. how to hide the fact that you think the person you are talking to is a bit special needs and they're pissing you off.

no answer.

I said what if you always get cross? she suggested therapy.

hmmm.

so dead helpful all in all.

then an illustration that the company would have been better off doing a company wide health and safety course came when the massive rain fall lead to a leak coming through one of the light fittings in our office. big big rain and a very old building. most amusing.

the guy sat under the drip moved and the lights were turned off.

then the techy guys turned up and we were treated the to spectacle of one holding a bucket while the other climbed a metal ladder to poke a hole in the ceiling near all the live electrics with a metal screwdriver while the water drips.

class.

no death occurred.

I took photos just incase.

then the guy who was being dripped on moved... and to the hilarity of all the drip followed him and drenched another computer.

brilliant.

every rain cloud does indeed have a silver lining

so I'm a bit damp but thoroughly amused by my day at work so far. apart from the fact I can't actually see my keyboard. ah well, might improve my typing!

my weekend was fairly good too. I had organized a skip to turn up saturday morning so we could clear out the junk from the garden. you can actually see the rotting mattress that's lived there for a couple of years now on google earth. sob.

little angel cat slept till 6.00am and angel boy actually volunteered to get up to look after him and they barked out on the sofa so we all got to sleep till 7.30.

result.

then the skip turned up, on time, there was a free parking space right outside our house and everything.

how stress free? brilliant.

then the boy got dressed and started moving shit immediately.

me and little cat mostly watched through the bedroom window and shouted encouragement.

he looked pretty damn sexy lugging piles of rubble around. lovely.

garden clear. fab. it does however highlight the still half build shed but as most of the ruined contents of said shed went in the skip I could care less.

I've got a garden I'm, not totally embarrassed to let people see now! yippee. course I still can;t let little cat play in it cause it is a multi leveled concrete water filled death trap but you can't have everything.

the only other thing I needed to boy to do was pop up to the attic to have a look at the state of insulation so I could see whether we needed more and take any more actual rubbish to the skip.

he needed a rest first. and a cup of coffee and some lunch and some more coffee and stop nagging I'll get to it and it's now 5 and it's dark and now he tells me there is no working light in the attic.

sigh.

never mind.

he seemed a bit reluctant to lift up floor boards in the dark so prodded a bit and reported that we have a wee bit of insulation.

fuck it. don't care. you've been a good boy today. bugger insulation.

then he went off to march around for remembrance sunday. leaving me and little cat to have a lovely relaxing sat night and sunday.

the marching was apparently not liven up by the fact that their band this year was a Jamaican tin drum ensemble.

tee hee.

not very good to march too it seems

so I'm wet but jolly today. and fully trained up on customer service. how may I help you today?

how did I end up with a grumpy old man? a very strange grumpy old man. he shouts and whines and moans. he goes on about the state of the country, about parking, about a million tiny pointless things that only bother pensioners with too much time on their hands.

he is exactly like a really old cat. they might have been the sweetest cutest kitty in the world but at a certain age all cats just get all grumpy and tired of life. they like to sleep and if you disturb them or even just look at them funny they'll show you their claws or just turn away. sometimes you get a brief glimpse of the kitten they were but they soon enough go back to sleeping under a big dark cloud of grump. and there is nothing you can do to cheer the cat up for more that the shortest amount of time. they have had their fun, their life, all they want to do is curl up in the warm in piece.

maybe I should get him put down?

last night. hmmm. so I had decided to try bribing him with sexual favours to get him to be nice when he comes in the door. he always stomps in, says something nasty and puts me in a foul mood for the evening and then wonders what I'm so upset about. so I says lets try to pretend that as you seem to want me to be a 1950's housewife that you're the husband. how about you come it the door, you kiss me hello, you ask how my days was and at least pretend to listen to the answer? there is extra rudeness in it for you.

he liked the idea. he doesn't like to do anything unless there is some kind of reward somewhere so I often have to stoop to bribery.

almost got a kiss. sigh. fail.

then he demanded his dinner. even tho I'd been at work all day and then spent the rest of the evening wrestling a wild bab into bed. and it's his day to cook. fail.

eventually he brings up a bowl of cold pie we both made yesterday and that's his cooking duties done. when I cook I first clear the kitchen, stack and unstack the dishwasher, wipe surfaces, normal stuff, and make a whole meal. when he cooks he brings up a pile of leftovers and if I'm lucky a fork and makes more of a mess than I do cooking a roast.

brill.

okay, whatever, he 'cooked'. say thank you and eat cold pie.

on the telly is the big brother zombie thing. I've been looking forward to it for ages. I've been talking about it for ages. I've mentioned it twice this very evening.

it starts.

he says why don't you come to bed?

I say 'cause the program I have been looking forward to has just started.

and that's better than going to bed with your boyfriend is it?

yes. yes it really is. (I don't actually say this tho)

especially as when he goes into the bedroom there's a scream of rage.... there were some cups left onto of the clothes hamper. he's told me about it before you know.

and another scream of rage... my sock draw was left slightly open.

okay.

the TV is looking better and better.

why so angry? why so grumpy? why the need to shout and scream about teeny tiny things?

I could understand his wanting to keep the house nice a little more if it wasn't so incongruous with the demolition derby that is your half done DIY.

what's the point of you obsessively tidying draws, cupboards, shelves and the recycling bin when there's no floor/wall/ceiling and big holes which left drafts the strength of a mini hurricane through?

why would I feel inspired to tidy my sock draw when the garden is filled with a half finished shed and big pile of crap?

arggghhhh.

yes I accept that maybe it' s not all him, that I get grumpy too but for gods sake. how many times can a man get into such a rage over socks? or misplaced plates? he's gonna end up having a aneurism or a heart attack. just calm the fuck down you twat.

I'm gonna crumble up beta blockers and put them in his tea.

the things I hate most in the world are getting told off, getting told what to do and getting shouted out. well done me for my choice of life partner.

but it's my night off tonight. no little cat and no big grumpy cat. I miss the little one but my god it;s so nice not having anyone demanding anything from me for a night. and no grumps.

I shall be attaching cogs and electronic components to some beetles for a very goth shadowbox I'm making.

now there's a sentence you don't say everyday!

little cat had just about killed the old laptop, pulled off most of the keys with such force that they never quite went back on properly. covered the screen and keyboard with goo. stuck his mitts in the cd drive so many times that I very much doubt that was working anymore. add to that the same problem as with my last three laptops had started to happen - the adapter won't connect properly unless you wiggle the lead around until it eventually blows up the motherboard - I decided it was time for a new one.

so with this months profit from www.tinyminds.etsy.com I got myself a nice refurbished much cheapness one.

and it's lovely.

little cat has already pulled one key off but they seem to pop back in fairly easily on this model so we all good.

and on the same day that one new toy arrived I also got my new phone.

mmmmm new phones. haven't had one of them for ages.

tis an LG secret KF750 with a five mega pixel camera which makes everyone look a wee bit ill... one of those annoying it tries to focus for you and just when you think you have taken a really nice photo it has that delay thing and you have actually take a big ole blur but it more than makes up for it with lots of cool features like panoramic shot.

and breath.

I likes.

it very cute.

and as for the screamapillar... I think little cat is aiming for getting to the terrible twos a bit early. he's discovered the power of the scream. fab.

I say "please to stop jabbing me in the eye with that pen" (he does love pens) and he says "no I shall not I like to jab, I shall jab" I attempt to pry the pen from his grasp. he very strong. this takes a while. I have the pen. he says "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa WAAAAAaaaaaa" and so on.

sometimes with added waving arms around for effect.

the waaa will last until he gets the pen back, something of equal or greater value or he gets bored of screaming (which takes rather a long time)

I tend to go for the swap. so now I have your pen but look, kitten, okay not kitten but slightly less sharp pen for you to continue your jabbing with.

tis much fun.

and he has mastered the walk now as well. this weekend he was for the first time ever more walking than crawling. no longer confined to the edges of the room he is free to roam the middle no furniture to cling onto bits. with the added bonus of being able to have both hands full.

which makes for interestingly hurty fallovers.

ah toddlers. adorable but dangerous and wobbly. like slightly violent but very affectionate drunks. flip from "you know what? I love you, I mean I really really love you" to "did you steal my pen? wanna fight? I'll have ya".

bless.

tis even more cute when he sleepy. toy soldier boy has found that when little cat is a bit sleepy he can say no to him and he will immediately burst into tears. which probably shouldn't be used for comic effect but it really really is funny.

course I also gonna tell everyone that little cats dad makes him cry for laughs, the big meany.

but point and say no and the little one just crumples into tears and buries him head in the nearest soft person. a cuddle soon sorts him out tho.

you can also get him to pull funny faces in the mirror now. he truly the best interactive toy you could imagine

fucking socks

worked all day. picked up the bab. took him home. played with him, got him ready for bed, calmed him down.

tired.

boy comes home.

we say hello cause little cat still not asleep. we ask for a hug. he getting changed.

comes in, about to hug, looks at my feet and roars with anger, outrage and disbelief "why are you wearing my socks?"

what the fuck? what the fucking fuck? why the fuck did you suddenly start fucking shouting at me about a pair of pissing socks? did you really want so badly to have another fucking shitty evening? why do you fucking care whether I am indeed wearing your socks? why is it such a fucking issues that you feel the need to shout about it?

and don't tell me to stop fucking swearing. it's all I have to illustrate how pissed off you shouting about something so fucking pathetic has made me.

twat.

he's cooking dinner, I don't fucking want to eat it, I don't want to be in the same fucking room as him.

he said he didn't shout, he was just asking why I was wearing his socks. I don't think he knows how angry he sounds. yes I know how fucking angry I sound and it's because I am indeed fucking angry.

how can you spit words out with that much venom and not mean it/know you are doing it?

doesn't my reaction to what you thought was an innocuous comment tip you off at all? do you just think that I am that mentally unstable that anything could trigger me to suddenly flip into shouting and swearing at you? do you really think it just comes out of the blue for no reason?

yes I really think you do.

so what can we do about it?

I don't fucking know.

on the bright side little cat thinks us screaming at each other is hilarious and was laughing his head off. so probably not getting emotionally scarred by the fighting just yet.

well that was an extra shit weekend with a side order of crap.

I was in a foul mood. a really bad mood. and toy soldier boys normal crap was just annoying me more than usual.

so we fought a lot.

blah blah blah.

and when not fighting I was just all depressed and listless. and not making anything which would have cheered me up.

and little cat while lovely is non stop.

had to get the little critter his first pair of shoes. he too big and it too cold for him to be just in his socks anymore.

so we snipe and scrap our way to Clarks. bless. when I said I wanted him fitted for his first pair of shoes the cute little shop assistant got loads of stuff.

he measured and fitted which little cat loved, gave us lots of vouchers and booklets and stuff, walked little cat up and down in his new feet and then took a Polaroid of the magic first pair of shoes moment.

v sweet but pos a little ott.

cor they are hard to get on. I think in-between buying them and getting the shoes home little cats feet have grown.

sigh.

£26 for a teeny tiny pair of shoes which will fit for a maximum of six weeks seems a wee bit steep too.

and the stupid washing machine broke.

I looked it up and it's probably the thermostat and I could probably fix it but god I can't be bothered.

so I'm buying a new one and have already given away the old one on freecycle. fab place to get rid of your crap and get other peoples crap to replace it with.

oh so blue.

I hate this. I was so happy just a little while a go and for no reason at all now I;m bloody miserable.

sob.

stupid manic cycle type thing.

not even mr jewish mother gleefully telling me that the ex and the evil one have broken up could raise a smile/smirk.

in fact I just feel really sorry for the ex. poor bugger. she never gonna entirely let him go tho. she never does. sigh.

I wonder if I can really subtly send lovely nice ladies his way?

okay. nice things. nice thoughts. happy smiley lovely things.

er....

buying loads of stuff off www.etsy.com that makes me happy.

making collages with newspapers

chocolate chip cupcake with butter cream frosting

little cat giving a high five and saying fivehigh

little cat jumping up and down on his dads head (he meant it in a nice way, I almost weed myself laughing)

little cat resting his head on squeak cats tummy and saying ahhhhhhh

more cupcakes

popping bubble wrap. I just brought a big roll. if you twist a chunk of it it sounds like cracking bones

people buying stuff I make and liking it lots (a groom at a wedding is going to be wearing a little steampunk stylie bee brooch I made, how cute?)

kittens. a big pile of kittens.

chocolate covered kittens... nope it's not working, small smiles are raised and almost instantly squashed by a big sad.

boo.

so for once the boy was back earlier than he said he would be. we were expecting him on sunday night but he appeared on friday evening. most unexpected.

little cat was very excited to see him. burst into tears, then demanded hugs then burst into tears again. bless.

boy was much muscled, v nice, but also v knackered and has a million bruises.

did not have fun.

saturday we had a lovely family day out to a chili festival thingy. yum. babies not so keen on chili tho it seems

maybe a bit too much chili tho cause the next morning I was woken by the bab, I was feeling really rough, a horrid cold starting, so when I heard the boy stir I was all happy someone else would be sharing the baby duties...

till I heard him throw up.

brilliant.

obv any boy disease trumps any illness I have so I would be stuck feeling rubbish looking after the bab and the boy.

joy.

he stayed in bed all day, occasionally throwing up into a bucket.

so sunday was not that much fun.

oh forgot about little cats Casanova incident

we went to the library on sat after the chili thing. little cat loves to run around there and there are always other babs to play with. well there was this little girl, a bit older than him probably. she was shuffling around happily and little cat started to follow her. he gets up real close and I'm on hand incase he swipes/claws/pokes but after a very gentle prod on the cheek he moves his head towards hers. oh I think, I hope he's not gonna bite her on the face, again ready to swoop, but the little darling kisses her instead.

ahhhhh.

he does it several times, little pecks on the face.

she's not looking dead happy about this unwanted affection so I move him away eventually but what a little cutie!

me and the girls mum were just a mess of big smiles and ahhhhh how cutes.

course now I'm thinking how come he never kisses me ah? I get bites on the face, I get hugs, I get snugs but no kisses.

boo.

and on sat evening he kissed his dad too.

I sulking!

bah

feel rubbish

lonely, frisky, slightly mad and really want a bastard fag.

grrr.

don't need one but god life is rubbish without them. baby goes to sleep, do I pop outside for a quick smoke? nope just stay where I am.

an hour goes past at work, do I celebrate by nipping out for a fag? nope. drink some more a million calorie hot choc instead.

blah.

and I have totally lost creative urge. which is a bit of a bummer as it's coming up to xmas and I should be stocking up www.tinyminds.etsy.com

but lack of nicotine has broken my head.

why was it that I wanted to quit again? (maybe something about coughing up blood, not being able to breath, stuff like that)

and I'm actually missing the boy now. not missing the nagging. or the fact I don't have to cook. not missing the constant fights and growls and snarls.

but do miss the sweetness. when he not horrid he lovely. course the horrid does sometimes overshadow the lovely but absence def makes the heart grow fonder.

little cat misses him too. I just know he gonna burst into tears when he gets to see his dad again on sunday.

stupid boring pointless work. then go home pick up lovely bab and have the same evening I have every evening. then put him to bed. then watch crap TV. then go to bed. then get woken up by little cat. then put him back to bed. then sleep a bit more. then have the same morning I always have. rinse and repeat.

hmmm. maybe I have sad. the days are getting a bit darker.

or maybe I just need some chocolate. stat.

hmmm

no fags since tuesday night. think the physical addiction is gone but god i want one.

boy has been away a week now, hence the frisky.

and as for the girls aloud. oh dear. took little cat for his very first macdonalds on sat. yeah. he ate a few frys. wouldn't touch the burger. yummed up the fruit juice. basically he not a fast food cat it seems.

but what he did like was the balloon a nice lady gave him and even better the little toy from the happy meal. tis a fake ipod type thing that you pull out a bit and it plays a tune. he got the girls aloud one.

arghhh.

something about a river? or something.

he loves it. holds it up to his ear, smiles and starts to bop.

it may just push me over the edge....

little cats talking is coming on by leaps and bounds now... kind of

he says bicket, gat gat, baba and baguette.

he also babbles all the time but these are the main words. now you may think that just four words would not communicate much but it all depends on the inflection and the situation.

for example bicket is a fav, I take it to be at it's base the word biscuit and sometimes it does translate to "mother I would like a biscuit please" other times its meaning becomes "mother please expose that breast a little because I need a comfy pillow and I shall not take no for an answer".

it can also mean "mother I would like something to eat, I will leave the choice of actual food stuff up to you, biscuit or not I don't care but if what you provide displeases me I shall throw it to the floor."

gat gat is a more simple expression. it most means "cat, I have seen the cat, I shall chase the cat" it can also mean "I have seen a photo of a cat/cat on the TV or cartoon representation of a cat". or sometimes a dog. I think he thinks dogs are big smelly cats, he not so pleased to see them.

pigeons and seagulls also get called gat gat at times. but most gat gat means there is a cat around somewhere.

baba means baby, child, small person, photo of baby and sometimes a news reader lady that he quite likes on the TV.

and then there is baguette. no idea at all but he does say it an awful lot

oh and how could I forget hiya?

he picks up a smallish object, preferably a mobile phone but almost anything will do, holds it to his ear and says hiya. no idea where he picked that up from, I'm sure I don't say it on the phone. but as it always gets a laugh he continues to do it.

for non verbal communication he is at present rather obsessed by his eyes, brow and eyebrows. he does his daddy frowning impression still but now this moves on to then raising his eyebrows as high as he can and wiggling them around. the response to this must be to do the same thing back or he will continue to do it and look like a little nutter.

also closing his eyes up tight and grinning can keep him amused for ages. specially if done while exploring a room. unfortunately this often ends in tears and bruises.

no not cause the boy's away (tho it is awfully quiet) but i miss big brother sooooo much.

yeah, i know, twat.

but i loved it. what do i watch every night now? the boy loved it too, as much as he denied it. if i was ever watching anything else when it was on he insisted i turn over

and now it's gone.

poo.

who do i hate now with no rex to loath?

bah.

won 30 squid on rachel tho.

poor little cat is wondering where his daddy gone. he climbed up to a photo of the boy holding a teeny tiny new born cat, pointed and said dada. boo. poor wee mite.

he's doing his impression of his dad a lot as well. big cross frown and a bit of a squint. still gets a laugh from me every time

haven't even got dressed today. lovely. and i made lots of messy stuff last night using the boys desk. ha ha. oh it is a lovely break not having anyone telling me off for a while.

my bed is cold tho. well it was till little cat joined me in it at 5.00am. we had a big lie in till 8,30 tho. yay.

oh i do the critter really. he a sweet pea most of the time. bit too much like rex tho.

bum now I'm morning big brother again.

so lonely

went to see mr and mrs jewish mothers new bab last night.

ahhhhhhh.

want one!

so tiny and utterly perfect. he popped out 12 days early so was still a little furry but wasn't all scabby and battered like little cat when he came out. a new born with good skin? so not fair

he has the longest fingers and a face that bears and uncanny resemblance to yoda. super sweet.

the newborn smell got the hormones racing tho. want want want!

I visited with red and another mate and cause it was with red we had to have a couple of pints first so I was really a bit merry to be handling newborns. but I behaved and didn't drop him so it all good. and cause even with the little critter they are perfect hosts I got another beer while I was there.

giggle.

then we left them to the cuteness and had a maccy d.

yum but yuck.

and me and red decided one burger wasn't nearly enough so had two.

mistake.

waddled home to make robots but vegged in front of the telly thinking about babies instead.

saw the nice ex housemate the other day. ah he such a sweetie. got a new job with no commute and more money and is now living with his lady and her kid. lovely. he looks all happy. yay.

now I guess everyone has moved out of the house of hell so I am probably safe to visit that part of town again. yay. it's a lovely place but I always got twitchy going there knowing I could run into the evil one and the ex at any time. course I don't know where they moved to, could still be the same area but I feel safer anyway

oh I hated living in that house. even when I was still with the ex it was horrid. I am not built to share living space with lots of people. guess tho if I want a ton of babies I would need to get used to it but fruit of your loins are different from housemates. you don't have to pretend to be friendly in the mornings for one thing!

toy soldier off on his two weeks of crawling through mud for the ta on friday. it's always hard being left alone with the little cat but I am also looking forward to it.

no one telling me off for using the hot tap, or cooking clay in the oven, or leaving a light on, or not keeping the recycling tidy or one of the million other things he moans about. no having to cook a bloody meal every night (tho is is being dead good with cooking at the mo, made ace duck soup on the weekend. yums)

a bit of peace and quiet when the bab has gone to bed will be nice tho.

no arguments, no lectures, no one ignoring everything I say, no one irritating me.

I do like him but god he gets on my wick sometimes

he so funny. he now does a fab impression of his dad. he kind of frowns and peers down his nose in a cross kind of way and looks the spit of toy soldier boy. tee hee. I was laughing so hard when he did that (I think actually the first time he was just making a I'm having a poo face). he loves to make me laugh so did it again, and again, only pausing to laugh himself. (and maybe finish his poo...)

we were rolling on the floor in hysterics when toy soldier boy came in to see what all the fuss was about. he thought it was funny but pretended not to see the resemblance. (and all the while he was frowning and peering down his nose at us, tee hee)

comedy genius.

if he's not a rock star I suppose little cat can be a comedian. as long as he is a nice one, not a mean one who says horrid things to noisy ladies on hen nights tho

twas a long long weekend. a few fights on the saturday and then the boy spent the rest of the time all quiet and moody looking. asking what's wrong would gain no response. eventually he said that he was being quiet so as not to upset me.

sigh.

such a funny creature.

little cat has discovered all my craft bits and bobs on the shelves in the living room. I knew he would eventually but was hoping for a bit more time.

which means my night off tonight is going to have to be spent reorganizing the shelf so no pointy, poisonous, swallowable, breakable, stabable things live on the lower shelves.

sigh.

ah well you always tend to discovered cool stuff you had forgotten about when sorting through craft supplies.

would prefer to be out drinking beer and misbehaving tho!

bit hungover. and super frisky. damn it.

tuesdays how i love you. i decided that even tho i have robot orders i need to get out i would use my night off for beer consumtion this week.

red came out and a few others including the boss. watching the diving at the olimpics got me a wee bit over excited and as beers went down the boss was looking more and more attractive. mmm he fit. i would like to tap that again

not gonna tho. i good.

well fairly good.

back to reds after the pub for wine and pizza.

still frisky.

may have had a bit of a snog.

and told him that we should buy a house together and have babies...

tee hee.

la la la i so bad. and so hungover. and frisk frisk frisky

mission was a success. a very messy success.

wow that was hard work.

little cat got me up at 6.00am on sunday. boo. this was after having demanded to sleep with me on the sofa all night again. so I a little tired and cranky.

but what's this? the boy offers to look after him so I can have a bit more sleep. yay!

seems a bit only means a bit tho and he woke me up again after an hour. sob. ah well twas a nice gesture.

so it's pond time.

the stupid pond has been had a fast dropping water level for a while now, I suspected leak. and the lily in the middle is basically taking over 80% of the pond. and I have too many fish for such a small space apparently.

it was time to take action.

which is why at 7am I could be found with a large fishing net and determined expression.

had to get the boys help hoiking out the huge lily. oh my fucking god that was big and yucky.

I really hope there were no fishies trapped in the massive root ball. I did spend a while looking for flapping and thrashing but I think everyone escaped ok.

then back to fishing.

they really don't like being scooped out of the water do fishies. they wiggle about and try to leap from the net onto the concrete.

and having the neighbours very sweet but very nosy cat helping me out was not really making anything any easier.

scoop fish, shoo cat, plonk fish into tub of water, shoo cat, scoop more fish.

the tiddlers seemed to be the easiest to catch but larry, curly and mo were nowhere to be seen. so onto step two. siphon out most of the water so fishies easier to capture.

yuck.

really yuck.

the pond is up quite high in the garden and the drain is low so it should have been a simple matter for gravity to help me empty the pond. only it needed a bit of a jump start. or rather a suck start.

which is why at around 8.00am on a sunday morning I could be found covered in mud sucking on a really stinky hose pipe.

managed not to swallow any which was good but did inhale a whole lot of swap gas.

blergh.

around 9.00am

most of the water gone. 19 or so fishies, one frog and whole bunch of snails. and lots and lots of ooucky yuck.

finally I catch the last couple. larry and mo were last and boy were they frisky. I guess you don't get to be a venerable old fish in a tiny pond stalked by cats unless you fierce!

final part of the pond clearance meant me giving up any attempt to not get muddy and climbing into the pond to scrap out the layer of fish poo and mud at the bottom.

yum.

quite amazed I didn't slip on the mud encrusted concrete and fall to my doom. had asked the boy to look out the window occasionally to check that I wasn't face down in a puddle of bloody pond water. not sure that he did.

so. fish out. water out. lily out. oouck out. worn out.

doesn't seem to be any holes in the liner. hmmm. right, executive decision. if there don;t seem to be any holes, assume there are not any holes. if there were holes then changing the liner would mean I would need the boys help to chip away the concrete around the edge and it is quite hard work getting him to do anything.

if there turns out to be a hole fishing out the fishies will be a piece of piss now without all the mud and flowers so if I need to do it again I will. but for then I decided just to refill.

but the bin I had filled up with water to de chlorinate was never gonna even part fill it so off to the garden center first for fishie be well water fixing goop.

after being hosed down in the garden by the boy. he liked that a wee bit too much. think he was imagining himself as a prison warder delousing fresh fish.

sigh.

so water in, water treated. lily now hacked up slightly too enthusiastically by boy with shovel and one chunk plonked back in (should it have a pot? dirt? I dunno, I'm sure it'll be fine!) and fishies ready to go back. which is good cause they seem to be banging their heads on the side of the plastic tubs and the neightbourhood cats are circling...

and by about 11.00 it's done.

phew.

and no one has floated to the top or started swimming on their sides. the frog looks a wee bit confused but I'm sure he'll be fine.

they actually look happy. well as happy as fishies can look. they darting around exploring all the new space. pushing the now floating chunk of lily around. tis all joy in my pond.

yay.

I really hope I never have to do that again. I think I still have fish poo in my hair after several showers.

been a bit worried about being totally shit at work. getting all the scrag ends was not helping but I also seemed to be a lot slower to fix things and having more trouble generally that I used to.

babies shrink your brain dontchaknow?

I actually got give something a bit tricky. databases, tracking, server side stuff. one of the list of things I had was looking a bit horrid so I saved it up in the hope that it would go away... but it didn't.

then inspiration struck. bodge it.

and I did. and the thing is it is a beautiful bodge that does exactly what is needed without having to rewrite everything. it's genius in it's simplicity. the thing that I was supposed to do would have taken me days and probably ended up a bit crap but the bodge is ten minutes work for the same effect.

ahhhh. lovely stuff.

course now I've finished the bit of work I had and will have to scrabble round for more... poop.

ah little cat. so cute. and a little bit clingy right now.

think he had some horrid back teeth coming through on the weekend. he was all hot and very very cuddly. he would not go to sleep up less he was either laying face down on my chest or by my side with a hand out to make sure I was still there. which was fun.

two night on the sofa with a radiator baby. not good.

he was also quite tearful so if I told him not to do something in a serious voice he would burst into tears, bury his head in my lap and then reach out for a cuddle. tis very hard not to laugh when his tears are on such a hair trigger. mean mummy. course he could just stop throwing his food around!

also anytime me and toy soldier boy cuddled up a bit he would either cry or try to pry us apart. again very very amusing.

we would put our heads together and go ahhhhh like he does when he's cuddling his toys (unbearably cute) and he would start to wail and just start pushing at the boys nose to move his head away.

I guess when he's ill he wants his mummy close and no one else is gonna steal his snugs.

I was so tired sunday morning that at about 6.00am I put the boy on baby watching duty and snuck off to sleep on a real bed for a bit...

except that little cat played for a while then noticed I was missing, found me in the bedroom, clambered up on the bed (he's never done that before, tis quite a high bed), crawled onto my chest and fell asleep.

great.

ah well at least we both had an extra snooze.

think he was feeling better this morning. not boiling anymore and all smiles. did have a crying fit when I left him at nursery but peeking round the door I saw him stop as soon as I was out of sight. little bugger.

cor babies are hard work!

saw mr jewish mum and his v pregnant wife on sunday. ah they sweet. she not having a lot of fun with the hot weather and a big wiggly belly. commuting to london for her job must be horrible.

I'm having loads of fun with my little etsy shop (www.tinyminds.etsy.com in case I haven't mentioned before!). still selling well. am thinking about plonking little cat in nursery for an extra day a week so I can have some time to make stuff. I would only really need to cover the nursery fee... still dunno tho.

got a bit of work at work today for a change but I think I'm gonna finish it soon so must go slooooow.

hence the blog

so i was making some yummy peanut butter and peanut m&m cookies, took them out of the over and found these little critters staring at me.

eek. cyclops guy and his scary wide mouthed friend.

had to take a pic before i ate them... or maybe i should stick them on ebay, one could look a bit like jesus if you squint

one thing about working part time is that you get all the bits and scraps. nothing to get my teeth into. constant scrabbling around for work.

course the good thing is that if you don't finish a thing, i.e. leave the shit bits till last, chances are someone will have done it by the time you are back in again...

but this doesn't really make up for the boring boringness of it.

and it's hot and I all snoozy.

looked at my bank balance today and was a little surprised. it had a wodge of money in it. er yay? it was either that I had been paid early three hundred odd pounds less than usual or that I had been paid early but just before had gone into the overdraft by three hundred pounds in the last couple of days without noticing or someone had plonked some money in there...

and amazingly it was the third option

I've been really crap with the tax credit stuff, didn't realize I was supposed to phone 'em up every time something changed in my circumstances. way too dull. consequently I've been getting bugger all for the last year. finally got around to telling them and they've only gone and given me what I can only assume is a backdated you're a twat and should have been getting more payment. get in.

and it's payday tomorrow.

and I've been selling stuff off my little shop (go there, you know you want to www.tinyminds.etsy.com) so I've also got an extra 300 odd squid in my paypal account.

woo.

course I've got to be a sensible bunny and plonk the vast majority of it on my stupid credit card (not even gonna tell toy soldier boy about the rebate, tis not real money really) but that hasn't stopped me buying a couple of odd things I've been hankering for...

dolls eyes anyone? I have an idea in my head about little scary faces with oversized really realistic eyes and fluffy vibrating solar powered robots with bug eyes... yes it is odd inside my head

anyways I recon I'm entitled to one more silly purchase. up to around £30. probably something I can make stuff out of or make into something else. suggestions?

oh that was fun. eventually.

first I had to wrestle with toy soldier boy to get him to go. sob. I had thought it would probably be not having a costume that would be his get out clause. then the fact that I thought it was sunday not friday and he wouldn't be able to get the time off. but no, something much more cunning.

he came home on thursday and didn't say a word. off to sulk in the bedroom. didn't tell me he had a costume or that he had the day off just sulked in the bedroom as he had been doing most of the rest of the week.

sigh.

so finally I braved the grump to see what his major malfunction was this time and he says he has a plan. how about I go to the wedding with little cat and he will pick him up from the reception and take him home leaving me to party kid free.

great.

on the surface quite a nice thing I spose. but I want him to come to the fucking wedding, I thought I had been clear on this.

I just got cross.

well not even cross, just resigned to a crappy kiddy wrestling getting lost in london looking tragic and alone craphole of a wedding.

deep joy.

eventually after much prodding it turns out he was just looking for reassurance that I wanted him to come. sob. if I didn't want him to go I would have thought he would have realized that I would have made it pretty plain. i.e. by saying I don't want you to come.

bloody delicate men.

anyways his costume was ace, he made a real effort, why the hell he couldn't of just come home and showed me that I'll never know. I would have been happy that he got it and impressed by how good it was and he would have got a kiss on the nose and we would have had a nice evening instead of me wanting to kill him with a rusty spoon.

ah well, never mind.

so the three of us all pirated out start out for london. many funny looks. his costume is all laughing cavalier with fancy frock coat and huge hat and I've pinched his waistcoat and have my hat and little cat is cute as a bug in his baby cabin boy getup.

walking through borough market on a friday lunchtime with all the city types getting their food was fun. and we had a fair number of tourists taking our photos. some asked and some didn't. v funny.

getting to the boat the wedding was to be held on I spotted a group of pirates. didn't go over straight away till I recognized one from the hen night cause you never know, could have been a different group of pirates

evil one turned up sans the ex which was one less thing to worry about. obv didn't ask why, tho I think toy soldier boy did and then pretended he knew the answer anyway. strange boy. he's convinced that she thinks that he fancies her. whatever. I thought I was fairly friendly but he didn't seem to agree. I spoke to her when she spoke to me and didn't whisk little cat away, I think I was fine. but there were much more fun things to concentrate on anyway.

there was a small moment of panic from the groom because neither the bride, her family or the registrar had turned up but they all made it in the end. thanks in no small part to miss bees super organizational skills. yes you really should be a wedding planner. assuming I don't kill toy soldier boy you're so doing ours

the wedding itself was below decks on the golden hind. dark, hot, cramped, sweaty and noisy. when we got in little cats bottom lip started to quiver and I thought he was going to kick off but fortunately he got excited by all the things to look at instead. unfortunately he got a bit over excited and trying to keep him in my arms and quiet was a bit of a struggle. I was praying to all manner on non existent gods when they got to the bit about anyone having any objections but he was okay. got a bit shouty later but nothing too bad.

then after photos it was off to the pub. a fun trouping of a bunch of rag tag pirates through london. plenty more tourist pics I would imagine.

at the pub I let little cat off the leash and off he sped. sped is the word. god he can crawl fast! he discovered the joy of crawling through peoples legs. mostly ladies. tee he. he would spot a pair of legs and if there wasn't room butt with his head till they let him through. bless.

there were a bunch of other kids there too. so sweet. you really need kids at a wedding

a few drinks, so grub, ace speeches, nappy change balanced on a sink, boy getting little cat to sleep, more crawling through legs. more beer. much fun.

little cat really had a ace time. everyone said hello, everyone was wearing cool hats or had big skirts to crawl under. he got a chocolate off one lady, crawled over to a pretty lady with pink hair and gave her the choc. little charmer.

when the karaoke started it got a bit loud so we had to go.

another fun walk in costume with everyone asking where we had been and a fun slightly pissed train journey.

a good day.

the photos on facebook the next day of me looking particularly fat a sweaty didn't completely thrill me but at least the boy and little cat looked cute.

I feel all planless now. been looking forward to that for so long and now it's gone. poop. I need someone else to get married quick! (go on miss bee, kick the boyf)

arghhh. still cross.

I'd got up at 5.00am with the bab and he'd been running round ever since. toy soldier boy got up at around 7.00 and on hearing the bin men outside enquired as to whether I'd put the bins out.

fuck.

mad dash.

heavy stinky bags.

miss them.

poo.

back up stairs and he starts to shout at me for missing them.

right.

firstly you have both your fucking arms and legs and are perfectly capable of taking a fucking bin bag outside. just because I usually do it does not mean it is my job. it just means you're a lazy useless cunt.

secondly don't fucking shout at me. don't fucking shout at me over something so fucking stupid. don't fucking shout at me over something so fucking stupid when I've been up since five and then act surprised when I shout back and call you a cunt.

you cunt.

our neighbours must love us.

but for fucking fucks sake. it's a bit of a pain in the bum having a couple of extra bags to put out next week but was it really a fucking ranting matter? really?

twat.

thank fucking fuck it's fucking tuesday and the fucking fuck is a fucking TA tonight.

snarl.

what am I going to do about him. I can't stand shouting and rowing. I hate it. but that doesn't stop me rowing back. the thing is I don;t think most of the time he even knows he's shouting or growling, he doesn't seem to notice how cross he acts and looks. so it always seems to come as a surprise to him that he is suddenly being screamed and sworn at.

but that's not really my problem. I'm not gonna put up with some twat shouting at me how ever emotionally retarded he is.

and every time I think that's it, I've had enough, I don't care that me and little cat will have to live in a cardboard box, I'm out the door, he manages to make it ok again. say how much he loves me and little cat and how we need to be a family and cuddle a lot, and have some sex and says nice things and how he's sorry and he never really means it and he'll try harder and you have to work at relationships and little cat needs both parents.

and I give in every time. probably cause underneath the crap I do quite like him and don't really want to live in a cardboard box with little cat. but that still leaves me with the problem of the constant fighting.

and when I mention how fighting all the time isn't a good thing he says we hardly ever fight, what are you on about, we only occasionally have an argument and then go on to have an argument about how much/how little we argue...

sigh.

I think killing him off for his life insurance is the only way... except the bugger still hasn't sorted it out and I'm tired of trying to get him off his arse to do anything. hmm so I guess killing him for the sheer joy of it rather than the cash will have to do

twat.

god I hope little cat doesn't end up like him.

last night the boy came in (grumpily) and little cat held out his arms for a hug. I said say daddy and he went 'da da'. sweet but he says da da at everything... but then, really clearly he said daddy. not sure he knew what he was saying but it was like a proper grown up sounding word rather than babble. my little critter is almost a grown up.

boo.

need a new tiny one now... possibly with a different dad!

yeah i haven't blogged for ages and ages. i blame little cat and his keyboard grabbing ways

anyways, I'm famous, yay. check it:

http://www.etsy.com/storque/section/spotlight/article/fresh-shop-tinyminds/2179/
http://gadgets.boingboing.net/2008/07/09/lord-cthulhu-the-sol.html
http://technabob.com/blog/2008/07/08/solar-powered-robot-bugs/
http://www.impactlab.com/2008/07/11/solar-powered-bug-bots/
http://www.alternativeconsumer.com/2008/07/10/solar-robots-from-tinyminds/

i is all over the interweb

my little robots are stars.

sold quite a few of the critters and now i need to make more. but soldering stuff is quite tricky while wrestling the little one... it can be done tho

was v naughty today. took little cat to nursery but decided not to go to work. ha. to be fair i do have a big of a tummy bug and feel a bit shit but it just seems so mean to send little cat off while i stay at home on my own.

tis lovely tho.

ahhhhhh. so quiet.

saturday was rock chicks hen night. oh that was fun. been a wee bit stressed about the upcoming event for ages now. me, miss bee, rock chick and the evil one all went to school together and have known each other for more years than we care to count. so we all, along with some of rock chicks other lovely friends, were invited to the hen night.

this was to be the first time i would see the evil one since i don't know how long. and more than that as it was rock chicks night we were gonna have to play nice as well.

so that was the first bit of stress.

the next was just going on a night out. sometimes I'm a bit rubbish at being a girl and dressing up and stuff. i panic brought a dress which on reflection looked a wee bit like a prom dress. toy soldier boy then made me feel great by telling me how it was wrong for me in every possible way and he would have chosen something much better.

sigh.

you know, the other day i was saying how i 'm not feeling great about my body and it would be nice if he didn't take every opportunity to make me feel worse about. how he should probably not call me fat and stuff. he came out with such a classic. he said, you're not fat, you might not even be chubby. right. er, thanks?

then he said, you know that charlotte church? you're about as fat as her. maybe a bit fatter.

and this is him trying his very best to be nice.

sigh again.

so evil one stress, dress stress, organising idiot boy to look after little cat without sulking too much. venturing up to the big bad london, spending too much money. all of this conspired to make me frazzled as a frazzle by the very thought of the hen.

which is why i decided to have half a beta blocker on the way up. ah other peoples very out of date prescription medication. is there anything better?

tee hee.

i did regret it a wee bit as everything went a bit swimmy on the way up to the station but all soon levelled out

so i met up with miss bee who was there to guide me through that there scary smokey apple... hmmm she did take me on a wee bit of a tube/train magical and unnecessary mystery tour but we got there in the end!

rock chick all excited and happy. girls getting all dolled up. much fun.

the evil one arrives and it's not too bad. we make surface nice. lovely beta blocker stops any nasty adrenaline fight or flight reflex. all good.

we all totter off in our clattery shoes and pretty dresses. the prom dress was okay in the end. apart from a really scritchy lining which hurt my bum and the fact that it was strapless so i kept hoicking it up all the time so i didn't escape out of the top of it. ah classy is my middle name

first we took the hen up the oxo tower (much sniggering about oxo related euphemisms, much much sniggering)

two magnums of champagne and cocktails. hideously expensive but fab.

then a slightly drunker totter to try and find a cab or two to the restaurant.

cute chinese place with a private room where we could scream out karaoke.

me and rock chick monopolised the mikes for most of the time. it was kind of painfully loud and the waiter must have hated us but it was great fun.

at some point the evil one went home which i may have been a wee bit too happy about. but it meant there was no longer the possibility of a drunken lets talk about it thing. yay.

hmmm. thinking about it i think i have to work a wee bit harder at the be nice thing for the actual wedding. i was fine but maybe smiling more or something is needed. dunno.

anyways, voices croaky from all the 'singing' and a little bit the worse for wear after mucho booze we stagger of to the comedy club. we've shed a few more girls on the way so i think about seven or eight of us made it there.

oh dear.

me and rock chick are rather jolly. jolly as newts.

the first couple of comedians are great. really funny. and we only get told off once by the security guard for talking. and only break one wine glass.

the next acts are a bit poo so we chat a bit more and get told off by them too. i don't quite remember but apparently one of the said ' i can have you raped you know' and on enquiring why we were out and being told it was a hen (we were all sorry for talking and said so in our inside voices) the other guy said i hope the hubby is balls deep in a hooker or something like that.

a wee bit harsh i thought.

miss bee on noticing the state of me and rock chick sensibly decided home is in order so off to find another cab.

which i have a feeling took a while but me and rock chick were happily clinging on to each other, probably singing, staggering about so didn't mind.

cab found we start off on the long journey home but now of course i need a wee. i really need one. i not gonna make it.

fortunately the cabby stopped for petrol... well i did first ask the guy in the garage if there was a toilet before nipping round the back and peeing behind a bush.

giggle. again, classy, really classy.

felt much better tho.

plus the guy was using his gps to navigate when one of the girls in the back was talking about something and said turn left here... so he did... we didn't notice for a while and by the time we did he was a bit lost...

fun.

we did get back eventually tho.

but rock chick wasn't finished. oh no.

miss bee and me were staying with her along with her sister who had to get up at 6.00am for a flight. bummer.

the sis and miss bee went to bed but rock chick wouldn't let me. so we drank some more. and bemoaned the fact we had no weed. i would have brought some but was scared of sniffer dogs on tubes... i don't know why!

i must have escaped at some point cause i woke up as miss bee was leaving in the morning at about 8.00.

sneaky little sod. she knew what would happen if she stayed till rock chick got up. exactly what happened to me...

she would not let me go home and made me go to the pub. so the pair of us, still drunk from the night before, at 11.00 on a sunday stagger towards her local only to find it closed. so we sit in the park (where i had a little puke, classy still) till it opens as 12.

sigh.

i had to get home to the bab but she wouldn't let me leave till 2.

and i got texts from her at 6.00 saying she was still there and had got drunk again. she is a legend.

ah a fun time all in all. much kudos to miss bee for organising. my liver is a wee bit cross with me tho

ahh that was lovely.

didn't go out last night, even tho twas a lovely night for a beer in a pub garden...

instead went home to an empty house.

bliss.

I tidied a bit. then had some dinner.

filled up a pint glass with amaretto, lime and ice.

made a new robot. a teeny solar powered wiggling thing. the cat was most interested by this as the only place I could find to set up my soldering iron was on the bedroom windowsill. her sunny spot. I think she got the message that it was hot after a while!

didn't even breadboard my little bugbot, just dug out the components and a circuit diagram and freeform soldered them together. and low and behold it worked first time.

lovely.

then I rolled a big fat spliff and watched a couple of episodes of battlestar galactica that red had copied for me.

all in all the perfect evening

the kitchen counter looks amusing today. bottle of amaretto, squished limes, torn rizla, ripped up cigarette butts and an escaped transistor and bit of wire.

I sure know how to live it up

and my mum tells me that little cat ate and slept well. I think he likes staying with his nan.

tho she seems to have gone a wee bit mad. she gave me a present yesterday... hmmm. now I love lizards... and I love tack... but I'm still not sure what possessed her to buy me a plastic lizard, er, sculpture thingy... it really is the most cheap and ugly thing you have ever seen. bless her

not totally looking forward to the boys return tonight. we been fighting again. it wears me out.

sunday night little cat was up a lot so I didn't get much sleep. then monday morning I was up, dress him and me, feed him (no time to feed me). take him to nursery and bus to work. work all day. bus to nursery. pick up v angry and overtired little cat. take him home, feed him (no time to feed me). cook dinner while watching him. wash and change him for bed. try to calm him down enough to sleep. get worn out.

at 8.30 the boy comes home. little cat still charging around. I still haven't stopped.

was it too much to expect even a tiny bit of help?

I mean he could have read the little cat a story. or served dinner (i.e. put it in a bowl and find a spoon, not exactly taxing). or some other small but helpful thing...

nope.

he takes the laptop and hides out in the bedroom till the little one finally sleeps at around 9.30.

I cross.

I very cross.

little bit of pmt in there too which adds to the cross.

I'm not quite sure what I was expecting when I had a baby but it sure as hell wasn't that I would have sole responsibility for the child. I feel like a single parent family in all but finance.

somehow it's my job and mine alone to look after the little one.

grrr.

ok. calm down. after a bit of shouting he says that he forgot I was at work all day too and just thought he was being helpful leaving us alone.

whatever.

too tired to fight anymore.

go to bed.

little cat wakes up screaming at 1.30.

brill.

think he has an earache or something.

give him painkiller but it takes half an hour at least to kick in.

then the boy starts shouting from the bedroom to bring him in there.

don't fucking shout at me. don't fucking shout at me and tell me what to do.

especially don't fucking shout at me and tell me what to do at 2am while I'm holding a screaming baby.

apparently he's worried about the neighbours being woken up.

fuck the fucking neighbours. least of my worries. my baby is in pain. it's the middle of the fucking night. I'm worn out. you are not fucking helping.

I hate you I hate you I hate you.

sigh.

eventually little cat sleeps again. and stays asleep till 7.00. good boy.

don't even want to look at the boy. twat.

haven't spoken since and like I say, not looking forward to him coming home tonight.

a weekend of ups and downs again.

went out on friday night for mr jewish mothers birthday. toy soldier boy actually came home early when I asked him to, which was nice, so I arrived at the pub before everyone was too drunk

after drinking too much we went back to mr and mrs jewish mothers place for a truly excellent indian take away and to shoot his new toy. tis a very realistic looking machine gun that fire caps encased in bullets.

oh my god how much fun?

lots

then twas back to reds house for a smoky and some more battlestar galactica. ahhh it's so good

I toddle off home about 1am and as usual am greeted by the bab crying. brill. am a teeny bit wasted yet still have to look after a little wiggly one. till 4am when he finally slept. till 6am.

brill. two hours sleep. yay.

over the week sometime little cat had managed to get to the laptop and before I could stop him had ripped off the d key and kind of killed it. and apparently this was my fault. and apparently I should apologise. or I wouldn't be allowed to use the laptop.

oh fuck you. fuck you with a big fucking stick you prick.

one, I didn't break it, two I am not fucking three years old so don't fucking talk to me like I am, three I've had two fucking hours sleep you cunt.

so much sulking all day. no I am not gonna fucking apologise for the baby destroying the d key. and if you won't let me use your fucking laptop I'm gonna buy my own fucking laptop so fuck off...

etc.

I think there was also a bit of pmt mixed in with hangover and lack of sleep there.

sigh.

so saturday was fun. sunday not a lot better cause now I depressed. you know when you get so sad that you can't do anything which would make you happy again cause you too sad to move?

well that.

blah.

we made up eventually and I cheered up a bit.

then little cat cheered me up more. he'd been utterly adorable all weekend (apart from the lack of sleeping) all grins and bouncing around.

he getting into everything tho, have to be really careful what you leave laying around. buttons are his fav. he loves to press buttons and see what they do.

anyways I pick up my phone at some point in the day and see I have a missed call and answer phone message from the boy, which is odd as we both been in all day...

I listen to the message and it's from little cat

he must have found the boys phone, unlocked it, called me, got through to answer phone, chattered a bit and then hung up.

clever monkey.

the message is so cute, starts with silence and a bit of rustling, then a bit of baby babble, then a noise which sounds very much like he chewing the phone and then he hangs up.

bless.

later on he managed to grab my phone and call my mum.

genius I tells ya!

cor I'm glad to be at work. as cute as the little one is a bit of a break is really needed sometimes. my mum is still ill and the docs are saying she has scary high blood pressure but she says she'll be okay to take him tomorrow. god I hope so. I mean I don't want to make her worse or anything but god I need my night off.

otherwise I get all cross with the bab and it's not his fault he all bouncy.

ah he so happy at the mo. really non stop grinning with his little gappy toothed mouth. got his appetite back too, has been opening his mouth really really wide when he feeding now. seems to be saying, yes I know I wasn't eating for a bit and being all fussy but I back now so shovel it in please.

eating good. sleeping rubbish.

damn.

don't know how to fix it either. when I read about it on the ole interweb everyone is all about the cry it out method. but I just can't.

our house is not big enough to get far away enough to ignore his cries. and he sounds so sad that I can't leave him all alone.

he doesn't know he supposed to stay in his bed in his room. he just wants cuddles and to sleep with the people he loves around. I can't punish him for liking us.

boo.

got to do something tho cause I'm averaging 4 and a half hours sleep a night and I may die soon

stupid stupid cold. me and little cat been really suffering, he was just so sad and ill and the lack of sleep (cause he was too ill to sleep for long) was making me even grumpier than him. on friday night I decided I wanted to swap him for a better baby who would let me sleep...

mean mummy.

then in the morning on saturday he was finally better and cuter than a super cute bug and twice as wiggly. poor little critter, he didn't mean to be ill.

worried about his sleeping patterns I decided to get a book on making little ones sleep, along with another on getting them to eat and one more on getting them to stop hitting you in the face. mission fix the baby was on!

but like I say by this point he was super happy and super cute so we ignored the books and had a cuddle instead.

sunday if possible he got even cuter. always with the arms reaching out to you for a cuddle. or finding bits of paper on the floor and crawling along to hand them to you with a chirrup.

yay to lack of colds. I still a wee bit sniffly but nothing major.

but the cold had not yet finished in its path of destruction.

got a phone call from my mum. she really ill and can't take little cat.

bum.

double bum.

buggers up work, no night off for me and oh, yeah, ill mother.

poop.

took little cat to the nursery today and asked if they could take him tuesday and wednesday. nope. they can do thursday tho.

sigh.

babies do make life a bit hard.

oh I forgot, he had his year check up last thursday. was all ill and grumpy till I took him the the children's center. they had this room stuffed full of toys. he liked.

he perked up immediately and began charging round knocking things over and throwing stuff around. the best was when he found a huge inflatable ball about the same size as him. seeing him chuck that was most amusing

the lady asked lots of questions about stuff he does and says. he seems to be doing everything he should. little monkey tho, I said no he doesn't really wave a lot and what did he do? yup, waved.

then I said he wasn't really talking with proper words yet.... while he was picking up a big baby doll, he looked at it, pointed and said ba ba.

hmmm. has he been pretending not to be able to talk all this time? does he know exactly what's going on and just chooses not to share his knowledge?

or was it just coincidence?

dunno but it made me smile

height and weight still both perfectly in the 50% percentile. he is mr average baby. how come everyone says he's big for his age then ah?

ah well, all good, all checked out, I can't be doing anything too terribly wrong, which is nice to know.

so the bab is great but the boy annoys me more and more. he just so goddamn rubbish. is it too much to occasionally expect your partner to do things, anything, without being asked, begged, nagged, shouted at?

oh whatever. no way out at the mo and it's not like he's a serial killer or anything (fingers crossed) just really really annoying.

I can be good it seems. yay.

few beers after work with red then back to his for weed and battlestar galactica. oh new series. I love bsg.

porn kept appearing on the telly, red said it wasn't deliberate honest, his tv just switched to porn sometimes. and he did have a bit of a go at getting in my pants but in the end he went for a quick wank and that seemed to calm him down.

classy!

so we got super stoned and watched fab sci fi, I think I was doing that thing where I give a running commentary of the thoughts of the characters on screen, that I guess would have been really annoying but fortunately red was doing it too. tee hee. stoned tv watching, is there anything more fun?

at around 9 I decided I'd better toddle home or I would never move.

feeling pretty shit at this point. haven't eaten all day, fluey head and wobbly stoned. which is why my decision not to wait for a bus but rather walk up the huge hill home probably wasn't a good one.

and I was feeling a little paranoid. hmmm. not sure I should reveal the fact that I was getting freaked out that I seemed to be being followed by two pre teen girls in pink on bikes up the hill.

cause obviously that would be ridiculous...

but I swear they were following me! every time I stopped to get my breath back on the other side of the road they stopped too.

yeah, ok, I was getting freaked out by two tiny tweens. la la la drugs are bad m'okay.

got home and felt so very bad. still couldn't eat, head spinning. then I get a text from my mum saying the bab has a temperature and is really ill.

how ill is really ill? how much of a temperature? does he need a doctor? an ambulance? would she call one if he looked that sick? meningitis? does he have a rash?

yeah might have got a bit panicky.

sigh.

fever dreams and waking every hour. I've got that ill sweat smell. I'm oozing ill out of my pours.

text mum in the morning and little cat ok. woke up every two hours all night for a cuddle but it is just a stinky cold. temp down and a bit better now. poor bab.

I feel poo.

managed to eat some soup.

blah.

on the plus side the ill sweats must be hyper hydrating me cause my skin looks ace. silver lining and that.

not looking forward to the end work, pick up the ill bab, try to feed him, clean the house and make the boy tea bit of my evening tho.

need a sleep and a nurse

tut tut.

went to the birthday of the programmer who sits behind me on sat. oh that was fun. I drunk way too much and was running around like a mad thing chatting to everyone who stayed still long enough.

sniffed out some weed. I could have been a drug dog in an airport in another life. the lady with the weed was happy to share and we chatted (and sung, eek) for ages. it was only after we had compared bums with a certain amount of groping and I noticed how snuggly she was that it dawned on me she might be chatting me up a bit.

tee hee.

staggered home in the rain ladyless but fucked up beyond belief. and when I say rain I don't just mean a little bit. I couldn't see it was raining so hard, I could hardly lift one rain sodden foot in front of the other.

it sobered me up a wee bit which is a good thing cause I was serenaded when I came in my the sound of a pissed off baby. now I know when he's been crying for a while and when he's just started but the boy tried to tell me that he had woken up when he heard me at the door.

hmmm.

well that may have lead to a slight argument and a lack of drunken monkey sex. well that and the fact that the bab didn't go to sleep for the next couple of hours. sigh.

so by about four I grabbed a bit of sleep, by eight the bab was up for the day.

miraculously I am so very hard and hangover proof that I didn't feel too bad.

fun night.

the rest of the bank holiday was a bit poo. niggly rows and boring diy buying trips. at least we have a tin of paint now so I can have a go at the remaining walls when I get a chance. whoopydoda.

this morning little cat woke up early and crying his little heart out. I woke up and wanted to cry too. really sore throat. feel poo. guess he felt the same way.

took him up to my mum feeling worse and worse.

now feel like death. think I have ebola. ache and ache.

it might of course have something to do with the tromping about in the rain on sat... nah.

anyways I was all sad cause it's my night off and I too ill to play but I seem to have been convinced otherwise by red. he going for a swim after work but offered me his keys and run of his flat till he got back.

he has new battlestar galactica and weed. I very tempted...

except we supposed to be behaving and he just had a bit of a grope in the lift.

I'm just a girl who can't say no, la la la.

it'll be ok tho, no porn and no going in his bedroom and we should be able to keep it vaguely platonic...

I had three hours sleep last night.

sob.

at work now. off tomorrow and the next day for the boys birthday. looking at the work planner thingy and noticing that there's a bank holiday next week means that I won't be back here till next tuesday.

maybe it's the lack of sleep but that thought makes me want to cry.

friday little squeak went to the vets for blood tests. my god how expensive are vets? nightmare. almost £200 altogether. eek.

so saturday it was time to get the results. saturday I felt ill. really ill. my head was spinning, I felt sick and headachy. could hardly stand. up at six as usual looking after the little one but I just couldn't do it. I asked for help and to his credit toy soldier boy stepped in and looked after little cat for an hour or so. I slept a bit and felt slightly better. still like death warmed up but at least I didn't still feel like death cooled down.

so anyways off squeak goes to pick up her results (I found it a bit weird that she had to be present, tis not like she can understand, but I guess they get to charge you for a check-up that way) nothing wrong it seems. they had sent of a geriatric panel of tests (don't you call my cat geriatric! she 10. she still a mere stripling, a wee kitten of a spritely cat I'll have you know) and as the vets seem to like scooping up money there must have really been nothing wrong in order for him to say there was actually nothing wrong if you see what I mean... i was expecting an oh her kidneys are fucked you are gonna have to give her these really expensive pills for the rest of her life kind of thing. yay to healthy beasty.

so she had a few injections and potions just for the fun and the cost of it (are you getting the feeling I think vets are just trying to fleece (fleas) me?) and apart from that they say bring her back in a while.

pah. she eating again, she hadn't puked for ages, she gained a bit of weight, been pooing (my god how is it that I find myself incredibly happy to discover poo? when either she or the little one haven't for a while I'm searching for and positively encouraging it. can this be healthy?) and is really happy (happy to no longer be jammed in a box and carted down the road every other day no doubt) I think I'll leave it for a bit.

so squeakadillo given the all clear. this good.

me feeling like death this bad. cause I have to look after the little one.

I struggle through the rest of the day till his nap at 2.00.

I try to nap too but the boy pestering me for sex. I feel like death you git. just cause I in bed does not mean I want to do you.

he very persistent tho so I give in on the proviso that me make me a pizza.

ah romance.

manage to get a nap.

little better.

then disaster...

the boy feels ill.

great.

now I assume he does have the same thing as me and I know it's pretty bloody bad as I still ill with it but to hear him you'd think he had ebola.

sigh.

so he goes to bed and stays there for over 24 hours. while I'm left with not only the bab to look after but the stressed out post vet cat and him.

plaintive shouts for hot juice made with boiled water and not hot tap water and some toast please are starting to slightly wind me up.

I am actually going to kill him.

it's seems I've given him some awful disease but I obviously only had it mildly cause he really suffering and I couldn't possibly imagine how bad he feels...

you know what? I probably can imagine cause that'll be how I feel but I can't stop and stay in bed cause I got everyone to look after. and the house needs a bloody tidy. and I have to do the washing. and make him a fucking birthday fucking cake. and pay some bills. and do the million other things that need doing.

I hate weekends. I really do.

I can tell by midday sunday he feeling much better but now he just pretending to still be ill for attention. saying this doesn't not go down well and causes a relapse.

sigh.

and little cat has chosen that day to learn how to pull the keys off the laptop keyboard. and this is so much fun that he starts screaming when I try to stop him eating them.

I need a holiday.

from them.

work will have to do I suppose.

which is why not coming in again till next tuesday is so very poo.

and tonight, after having 3 hours sleep, after going to work for a full day, after picking up the little one from nursery, calming him down, feeding and getting him to sleep, after that I have to cook the boy a nice birthday tea and entertain and not kill him.

la la la I'm gonna run away. I'm gonna do a shirley valentine. I'm gonna do a moonlight flit, I'm gonna run away and join the circus, or just curl up under my desk and have a nap...

what the hell should the punctuation be on englishes? bah, no idea. what I do know is that it a yum scum nom nom nom restaurant.

toy soldier boy was meant to meet me after work for a beer and a meal. he apparently took an hour to shower so was late as usual. and I was early as usual. so I decided this called for a more expensive meal than I was at first planning.

jonesing for mussels so toddle to fancy fish restaurant only to find they were out of bloody muscles. poo. had a beautiful chowder and nom nom crab.

good enough.

my god I'm bored of small talk. strangers who chat and you have to be all friendly and polite. not just the family with the pissed great grandmother eating next to us but the bloody cab driver home was mr mc chatty. I'm not that friendly but I am super polite so always chat when someone else does. and when you got a bab on ya the chatting is fairly frequent. but this was without bab. what's going on?

bah bloody friendliness!

toy solider boy was super loved up and on best behaviour. he must know that a lot of the time I am not that happy with him and wanting to escape. do love him but he really does annoy the shit out of me most of the time. the feeling may well be mutual but boys seems to think about things differently to girls so he doesn't see it as as much of a problem as I do.

sigh.

well at the moment, like I say, super cute and loved up.

he had a fun trip. told me all about civil war stuff and army stuff. mmm interesting. brought little cat some cute t-shirts with civil war cats and stuff. and me a big ole plastic bottle of rum, tis huge. I was happy. he was happy that than was £7 well spent! other cute bits and bobs too. he does try bless his little heart.

home for catch up sex and luxuriating in not having little cat in the house. and having a lie in, not having to get up till 7.30. whooohooo.

tho we both woke up at 4.30 to pee. hmmm. a sign of getting old or is my bladder just now used to the 4.00am wake up call?

little squeak is all ill. skinny as a skinny thing. not eating her crunchies. throwing up anything else I give her. I worried. booked her in with the vets on sat morning. the boy will have to take her cause even with her massive weight loss I don't think I can carry her on my own. I really hoping it's her teeth and it all fixable. yeah, it's gonna be her teeth.

hate it when animals are ill. they can't tell you what's wrong. I didn't even notice her not eating for ages. bad mum

well spose I better at least pretend to do some work today...

cor I haven't blogged for ages. used to be so good. life keeps getting in the way of typing.

edited highlights.

hmm, slight slip of the tongue with red last tuesday. nothing serious. we probably shouldn't watch porn in his bedroom tho. will I ever completely behave?

nah.

miss bee and soon to be married rock chick came down on the weekend. we had a lovely time with parks and swings and coffee and children's parade and stuff.

ace.

little cat getting so big. he did his extra cute thing in the library where he picks up a book, opens it, turns it the right way up and starts to read out loud. well in baby language. ahhhh.

he did the less cute thing of spitting out every other mouthful of food when we ate. according to miss bee the fact that in lack of somewhere to put the semi chewed food I would occasionally eat it made it even grosser... I do sometimes forget that he is not actually part of me anymore. in my head there is not a lot of difference between something being in his mouth than mine. other people may not share this opinion

yum.

he was getting a bit fractious in the last cafe we were in. miss bee gives him an ice cube. mmm, odd but likey. then for our amusement as much as anything she gives him the slice of lemon that was in her coke. nom nom nom. he likes lemon it seems. he happily muched away at it with not even the tiniest little screwed up oh that was sour face that we were all expecting.

and it helped to clean his mucky paws and left him all lemon fresh too. bless.

toy soldier boy said he would be back from Gettysburg monday. wasn't of course. when he said monday he meant not monday. god things like than annoy me.

anyways he back today and will be staying in which means curtailing my tuesday night beer and weed plans to say hi to him. hmm. he better have brought me and little cat the coolest tacky american stuff or I'll sulk.

too hot to work. I only just got in but my eyelids are drooping. course I was up most of the night and have just spent 3.5 hours on the train so a little drooping can possibly forgiven.

fag.

coffee.

little cat woke up at 5.00am this morning. usually when he up early we just curl up on the sofa and go back to sleep but this morning he was all bouncy, so i was knackered. he finally seemed to go back to sleep at around 7.30 so i left him in his little chair and went back to bed. the stair gate was on and i usually hear him as soon as he cries and come get him before he gets into mischief.

little bugger.

he must of woken up and really quietly wiggled his way out of his chair and started to explore. when i came in, alerted by some banging noises i found him with his hand in a half finished jar of baby food, the other hand bashing away at the laptop keyboard and something stuck to his head.

by something i mean literally something. i was making a thing which needed the word something stuck in it and had left some bits cut out of newspapers on the laptop. and now something was stuck to little cats head. he probably ate sublime and twee.

he looked so damn pleased with himself.

toy soldier boy is away for the weekend. sigh. didn't come home thursday night, had some unbelievably fancy dinner, fan makers or something, the kind where you feel the urge to roll up a trouser leg i should imagine, he was there representing the ta. he gets sent to loads of these type of things cause tho is rank is not high he does sound awfully posh.

anyways he drunk too much port and missed the last train home. he finally arrives back at about 3.00 on friday... only to leave again at 4.30. well we do seem to get on better when he not there...

god he's annoying me at the moment. haven't even had sex for like a week. what is the point of a man?

just took little cat down the park. got some ace pics of him on the swings. he's only been on them once before and he loved. I'd put him in summer clothes tho and with his little fisherman style sun hat he looked like a middle aged american named ira who was on his holidays in vegas. i dont' think i need worry too much about his eating cause he getting rather round

i must have looked chavtastic with little ira today. hair all greasy so slicked back in tight pony tail, velour top and velour trousers (not those nasty sweatpant things i hasten to add, i not that bad) and too much eye makeup cause little cat distracted me when i was putting it on. which is why i was a little weirded out by the smiles and stuff i was getting from men in the park.

then i figured it out. it was a sunny day, everyone happy and smiling at my little critter looking so cute. or maybe i just have amazing pulling powers while chavtastic, you never know

god i love tuesdays.

so stoned

so blissful

now little cat is ace, he the best little bear in the entire world (toy solider boy says he being really objective when he says little cat is actually the best baby ever, not sure he is aware what objective means) but the moment i dropped him off with my mum. now that moment rules the fucking world. i felt light as air. i texted people to meet in the pub. tat guy phoned up and we chatted and arranged to meet next tuesday. love him. miss him. in the greatest of moods went to work. did some shit. was fairly shit. went to the pub.

ah. lovely people. lovely chats. manga bear said something about the evil one and the ex not getting on, felt sad bad good, still best mood ever, everyone gone but me and manga bear. texting red to see if i can come smoke with him. he busy. i get taxi. he may come later.

skin up big joint.

ah. now stoned and blissful. with a bag full of munchies.

in my house.

ah how lovely that it my house. all mine. on my own i can get stoned. i can walk around saying oh fuck yeah. cause i feel that good that i actually say out loud ah fuck yeah. I'm so stoned I'm watching the keyboard not the screen as i write. soooooo stoned.

good i love tuesdays!

dvds. i love you. even when you go all slow and funny and digital. ah chow yun fat. i love mr fat or is that mr chow? dunno.

curse of the golden flower. fuck yes.

more weed. dvd broke. replay. wasn't watching anyway. till fights.

ah yeah the fight with the swords. ah fire on blades. it's hyper real yummyness.

and so on...

giggle. stoned blogging fun

at work today with a tiny hangover but still the good mood. even tho i just had an appraisal. and they suck. apparently i have come back to work a new person, all happy and helpful. give it time. I'll be back to my grumpy self soon!

so at exactly one year and one day little cat decided he was no longer going to eat jars of baby food. and i mean he flat out big tantrum refused. well i guess he not a baby anymore but tis a bit of a pain not least cause i have a cupboard full of the bloody things.

ok i thinks. he wants to eat big boy food. so i give him sandwiches cut up small and bits of fruit and cheese and stuff all on his tray. he dives in.

puts everything in his mouth, chews it a bit, then spits it out. and repeat.

bloody brilliant. he's gone from happily eating everything in sight to not actually swallowing anything.

he still eats his fruit pots thank god, and porridge, but that's about it.

i think he might have got some of his sandwich down just now but can't really tell from the mushed up dribbled on remains on his tray, down his front and on the floor.

sigh.

and he has a cold, and is teething, and had a screaming in pain ear ache.

no wonder he off his food.

but this is not all the treats the world has for me at the moment.

toy soldier boy is also ill. had thursday off this week. brilliant. now i have two whiney babies to look after.

ah the man cold. you start with sympathy for the suffering and then just want to kill them. saying you need some hot juice in that baby voice when i dealing with the other screaming critter and am covered in poo is not going to make me smile.

and the cats ill. she won't eat her crunchies and anything she does eat comes back up again, usually on the bed, or my foot (she likes to be near me when she ill) she loosing weight and i all worried but haven't got enough time spare to make her feel better.

and I'm getting a cold but i just can't so i ignoring it.

and my mum wanted this week off looking after little cat cause it's my dads birthday on wednesday and it upsetting her more than she thought it would. but i got stuff at work i have to go to and the boy is useless so she just gonna have to have him.

on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

oh and i haven't even mentioned Gettysburg.

now this is unfuckingbelievable.

so it seems the ta (who i am increasingly starting to believe do not actually exist but are just a creation of the boys mind so he can escape the family every so often) are apparently running a battle ground tour to Gettysburg. they want the boy to do the tour bit. well he has civil war shit coming out of his ears so is the perfect choice but for fucks sake. Gettysburg? he's been there before and was dying to go again so not only does he get to go but he gets paid for going!

when he asked me about it he knew i would be cross after he just got back from two weeks skiing but how the fuck could i say no you can't go?

well i couldn't.

fucking a.

and he has some other weekend away next weekend as pissing well. fuck head.

so yet again i get to stay at home with the baby while he fucks off around the world.

oddly apart from all of this I'm mostly really happy right now. work is relaxing and great, my tuesdays off from little cat and the boy are heaven, I'm making lots of things, little cat is a little man and tho half the time i want to stab the boy in the eye with a blunt spoon the other half of the time he's a sweetie.

right, we have a code brown situation. more fun for me!

now this time last year I was lying in a hospital bed saying ouch. actually tell a lie I was standing up, holding onto toy soldier boy with a tube from a big canister jammed between my lips sucking up the chemical goodness and saying ouch.

much fun.

looking back on it is the oddest thing. I guess the stuff about your body protecting you from remembering the pain is true cause I know it hurt, I can recall when I just couldn't do it anymore and asked for the nice nice injection in my back but the memory of the actual pain no longer exists.

oh that was a scary day. the boy never really thought little cat would appear till the moment he did. he was holding himself back in case something bad happened. and when something quite bad happened, I.e. being rushing in for an emergency caesarean cause the cord was cutting off the babs air he was calm. well calm as you can be in a silly outfit watching your girlfriend getting cut open.

and then when they squeezed little cat out and he immediately screamed. that was just the best moment in the world. the boy will still tear up now if we talk about it.

and the little wiggler was all tiny and squished up. we all laid down on a bed in a privatish room getting to know each other and the little cat gained his names my making noises like, well like a little cat.

doesn't time fly?

and now it's his first birthday and he a little tiny person

we went to the other new mums birthday party for her little on on saturday. argued all the way up there. fun. little cat got v excited about all the new people. he seemed to really like the little girls dad. maybe something to do with him having a similar nose to his dad but he kept making a bee line for him.

quite a fun party but we didn't know many people and like i say we were arguing so we didn't stay that long.

sunday we decided we would give little cat his pressies. well he doesn't know it his birthday

he got some new books and some beepy annoying toys. loved the books the best. his dad read the gruffalo and did lots of silly voices. v sweet.

a better day.

then this morning I dropped the birthday boy off at nursery. told them he was one today so I hope they make a fuss. he seems to really like it there, was all smiles when I left. bet he cries when I pick him up again. little meany!

so a year ago today I was as big as a house, squishy like a bag full of water and in constant pain with my hands.

and little cat was due.

oh my god how can that be a year ago?

dropped him at nursery today and found that there are three other kids there with the same name. poop.

when I was at school it was all johns, steves and davids. ah well he will just have to stay little cat, having a bit of trouble actually using his proper name anyways

my mates from Manchester came down for a visit on the weekend. ah it was nice to see em. we met up in the library so little cat could have a run around and then went for a coffee. little cat def liked them, made lots of cute faces. such a good little critter.

my play writer mate showed me photos of his new 'niece' he asked if I could see the resemblance to him... hmmm. I was looking at the pics, going ahh as you do, and you can't be mean about babies however odd they look but there was something a bit strange... I'm reaching for something nice to say when he eventually tells me it's one of them reborn doll thingies.

phew.

cause it was a funny squashed face thing. euw. what an odd thing tho. his sis says she doesn't push it round in a pram or anything tho... so that's ok...

apart from meeting my lovely mates my weekend was a bit shit tho. toy soldier boy being a complete pain in the bum and much arguing. blergh. bottle of wine and much sex fixed it eventually.

on the sunday we got up early to go the market thingy again, I was after more pokemon and buttons. when we started out the weather was fine. by the time we walked down there it was spitting a bit, so we put little cat in his buggy bubble. he does this very cute mine impression, help I'm trapped in an invisible box, bit. sweet.

then the snow started. poo. and it didn't stop. the short walk down to the bus stop turned me and the boy into snowmen, the whole front of my coat was white as were our eyebrows and eyelashes. fun. as for little cat, well his world went white. he was getting a bit concerned that he had turned into a mobile snowman. melted messily on the bus tho.

all worried about my tadpoles now. they had just wiggled out of their spawn and were swimming about the shallows trying to avoid being eaten by greedy fishes. now they even gonna freeze or have to dive deeper and risk being swallowed. I may have to rescue some...

My but this is odd. Sat at a desk writing code. Feels v strange.

My weekend kind of started at Wednesday tho, which was nice. Work is actually kind of relaxing compared to baby care. Nothing I do here really matters. Bet that's something the bosses love to hear

Twas all a bit hectic on Wednesday evening getting out of work, rushing up to the station, picking up the bab who was so excited to see me he was trying to laugh and cry and bounce up and down at the same time, then whizzing home to feed, change and get him to bed and making tea.

Phew.

But then we had a nice lazy Thursday and Friday to make up for it.

Friday evening I got to escape, I hopped on a train (when the boy eventually got home, an hour late, grrr) to see miss bee.

Didn't get there till 11 so we just had a quick pint in a 'lovely' pub then back to hers for the most bizzare sweet fizzy red wine stuff and a chat/giggle.

Then I got to sleep, ahhh, sleep. I wasn't up till like 8. never underestimate the joy of sleep!

Then we had a browse around her home town, I got v excited in a haberdashery shop and an ace craft shop come café thang then back to hers to watch juno, ace ace film.

Lovely lovely relaxing day with much bitching about the funny little things our boys do

Then home to a very happy little cat and a slightly grumpy boy. You could tell he was torn between saying what hard work looking after the little one all day was and saying it was easy. If he said it was easy he was worried he would not get enough credit and cuddles for doing it but if he said it was too much work then he would be admitting that maybe I'm not on permanent holiday and that my day might be a hard as his...

He went for a compromise of oh it was really hard but you obviously used to it. Bless.

He had to deal with a big poo and teething pains and a little cat who loves to explore, I know it is hard work so was nice to him for the rest of the evening.

Then Sunday we went to the big market thing in town and I was made very happy by finding some tiny pokemon figures and a big bag of buttons. I easily pleased

A good good weekend.

This morning was a bit poo tho. Little cat was possibly confused by the clocks going back cause he was still asleep at 7. got woken up by the boy going in his room to get a suit (don't ask). He a funny little fella this morning. Talking and waving his hands around. He really does seem to think he can talk and was chatting away to me a 3am. Fun. But he learnt to clap. At 3am. Maybe that's what he was trying to tell me. I been trying to get him to do it for ages but he likes to do things in his own time. My little genius clapping boy

Anyways we got up and dressed and stuff and out of the house by 8. time for his first full day at nursery. Eeek.

And we got there and the lady he has got all used to and recognises wasn't there.

Poo.

And I handed him to another lady and tried to climb back into my arms.

Sniff.

But I had to leave him there and not make a fuss and there were just about to do breakfast. Anyone who feeds him instantly becomes a friend.

I didn't look back but I didn't hear any crying. Only mine... Well nearly.

Horrible horrible horrible. I know he'll have a ace time and won't want to leave but I feel so mean!

Phoned up to check on him and they said he was fine tho, had his breakfast and all good.

Worrying.

But not too much.

Gotsta code. That'll take my mind of him, probably.

i made a liccle shop on etsy. how cute is that place? i can dump all the tonns of stuff i make there... when i get around to it

ahh productive day!

Arghhhh

First bus in the morning, the one that actually goes to the station rather than stopping miles away, was a special we don't allow babies on cause we have big steps bus.

Then we got on the wrong train.

So we had to get a bus to my mums place.

But we got on the wrong bus.

So we had to get another one, which was late. Which meant instead of saying goodbye to the little cat and making sure he was settled I had to run to the station for the train back. Cause I'd missed the first. And I left my bag attached to the pram.

Sob.

Five hours after I set out I was heading towards work.

Yipeee.

Forgotten how to use a computer. Especially the mouse. Haven't used one of them for a year now.

And my boss says here's two projects to look at, this one shouldn't take more than half an hour or so. And I'm not connected to the networks and I can't remember what to do and I keep getting lost and it's horrible.

Poop.

Stupid work.

People keep coming over to say hi and for a chat so that helps. But not much.

Blah.

Easter was fun. Er sort of fun. Mostly fun.

Long weekend with the boy. May have been a few arguments. And a lot of fuss over installing a stair gate. Stupid bloody thing. I would have done it had he looked after the little cat but he insisted.

Brilliant.

Now we have a gate that opens at such an awkward angle that you can't actually get down the stairs anymore.

Sigh.

To fix this we will have to saw a chunk out of the bathroom doorframe.

Lovely.

Easter itself was quite fun. I had my usual confusion about the whole religious bit which the boy tried to explain and ended up forcing me to watch a bit of jesus christ super star. Oh my god that sucks. And all the stupid jesus stuff just makes no bloody sense. How the hell do people not have a problem with all the great big holes in the story ah?

Oh and I didn't know that little cats name was biblical. Apparently he was the one who didn't believe jesus had come back form the dead (fairly
sensible chap then) and was invited to poke his fingers in jesus's holes...

Nice.

But the chocolate eggs were fab. Little cat got a nice milk chocolate one, he managed to get it out of the pack himself and I have some really cute photos of him picking it up in both hands and gnawing at it like a squirrel. Bless.

I left him sat on the sofa with his dad while I did stuff downstairs. When I came back up the boy was happily surfing on the laptop and little
cat was lying face down next to him, suspiciously quiet...

Turns out he had found his egg again, got it out of the packet and was lying with his face buried in it gobbling it up. What a clever little
sugar addict he is

well works over and i home. was thinking about going out for beers as it is my night of freedom but quiet frankly i knackered and can't be fucked. gonna laze around and have a nice big uninterrupted sleep. yay.

trying to type while a little critter hangs onto the spinney chair the laptop rests on and pounds randomly at the keys. page up and down and back and forward are his favs.

well the boy made it back from canada eventually. miss bee came down on the saturday and we had a lovely time playing with little cat so i wasn't quite so grumpy when he appeared home on sunday morning.

little cat was so pleased to see him, this look of recognition and massive grin appeared and he started bouncing up and down. v sweet.

he now has a teeny t-shirt with a moose on it and i have a raccoon hat.

not sure that and the maple syrup made up for two weeks solo parenting tho.

back to work soon. really soon. tuesday in fact. eek.

just taken little cat for his first taster session at the nursery. after he had settled i wandered off for quarter of an hour. the little bugger didn't even sniffle. i know i have to leave him there the whole day and i don't want him to be sad but couldn't he at least pretend to mind a bit?

sniff.

had a weird day yesterday. apparently when i was smoking with red the other week i said i would dig him out a copy of my old blog cause he had been talking about the fact that he knew it existed and people who had read it (without telling me, the people who caused me to start a new one) recognised him in it.

so i found some old pages I'd saved and had a read through to check he wouldn't be too cross. my god i was badly behaved, was like reading about someone else.

most odd.

so i spent most of the day, when i could get little cat to stop pressing buttons, reading about another me.

red liked it, and was most surprised that i only said nice things about him, think he thought i was gonna be mean. never, he lovely

and frisky. boy is he frisky. no lady at the mo and not ready for a new one. he the walking talking horn.

bless.

wants to go out and smoke again soon. i may have to feed him some bromide or something

right, i gotta make lists of stuff i need to sort out for baby care. lists help. yes lists rather than doing thingssss.

horrible man. sometimes i really dislike him. one of the things i hate the most are his lies and lack of communication.

it started off as a weeks skiing.

then apparently at the last minute. yeah right. it turned into ten days. out on the wednesday back on the friday.

now i had no reason to think this had changed but still asked every pissing day by text and email exactly when he would be back so i could plan stuff.

he managed to avoid answering the question till now. till the fucking day i was expecting him back. i pissing well assumed the pissing text was from the fucking airport.

but no.

apparently he flys home on sunday morning.

great. ta. fucking a. if you had fucking well told me when i first fucking well asked i could have arranged shit and i wouldn't be so pissed off. but no. no you let me think that i wouldn't be stuck with a cold and a grumpy baby for another lonely weekend instead.

thanks.

why the fuck not just tell me as soon as you fucking knew? i might growl that it's not when you said but I'm far more pissed now that i would have been with a bit of warning. stupid fucking cunt. i don't even want him to come home. it was nice not being shouted at for handing him a cup the wrong way or whatever.

oh I'm so cross. i want to hurt him in little nasty ways. like a psychological nippy pinch on the arm. and of course i shall. which will probably make him less communicative so as not to release my sharp clawed wrath, which will make me more cross and blah blah blah what's the fucking point?