All Sweetness and Light

so in my quest for the perfect superfood breakfast cereal i just got some bee pollen delivered.

hmmm.

ate some. tasted quite nice. sweet, complex flavour. a bit crunchy. slightly gritty.

added to my super cereal (now bran flakes, cranberries, blueberries, almonds, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds, goji berries and raisins) and it was rather nice.

then i started wondering how you actually got bee pollen.

now I've seen plenty of big fat bumble bees bumbling around with bees knees weighed down with pollen. i wonder if this is the stuff I'm eating. and if so how the hell is it got off the bees knees? I'm hoping the bees get to keep their knees.

bit of googling and it seems that yes the stuff i just ate was a mixture of pollen and bee spit which had been stuck to a bees sweaty knee pit and then retrieved through a special device at the entrance of the hive. a knee knocker perhaps?

that kind of put me off a bit. as did the warnings of it causing anaphylactic shock to those allergic to bee stings. never been stung so how would i know? and a scientific study which said it was just food and not that super also has left me cooling towards the substance.

hey ho, i don't seem to have swollen up or anything and it does taste quite nice. i guess i can live with a bit of bee knee sweat.

never leave the house, never leave the house, NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE.

yesterday me and little cat were up off the allotment. twas a windy day but not too bad.

parked the pram outside, turned around to lock the door. gust of wind. crunch.

oh my god oh my god oh my god. the bloody pram had tipped over backwards and crashed to the floor.

baby screams.

stupid bloody buggy has a tendency to tip backwards, designed so it's easy to get up kerbs and stuff i imagine. but with this i would have thought that some kind of protection, roll bar type activity round the hood bit of the pram might have been a good idea?

nope.

all that was between my babies head and the hard hard concrete it was rushing towards was one thin bit of canvas. the exact part of the buggy that hit the floor was the place his head was. unbelievable.

thank fuckedy fuck for the nappy bag I'd hung over the back. okay it's weight might have added to the tendency to tip backwards but without the cushion between pavement and baby it provided i don't know what would have happened.

baby okay.

head checked for injuries. none found. screams stopped and whisked back inside.

there may have been a bit of sobbing from me too. oh that was so horrid.

now all i want to do is search for some kind of baby helmet, or better yet metal exo-skeleton he can wear till he's in his twenties.

never leave the house

just got back from taking little cat to get weighed. he all spot on his 50% line for weight and height. he baby average.

i wanted him to have a play with other babs but unfortunately the clinic that is usually full to the brim only had a couple of babies there. we sat next to a woman who only spoke hungarian and her googly eyed bab. little cat rolled over to have a look and then his bottom lip started to quiver. he no like.

then a couple of ginormous babies tried to tread on him.

we gave up soon after that.

back home on the bus. tis very full. a woman with a triple buggy and three other toddlers gets on. we all budge up. one of the little ones sits away from her. bus stops and the little one toddles off the bus. eeek. mum/carer didn't notice so i have to leave little cat and go scoop up errant toddler just as she hops off the bus.

cor how bad would that be? little tiny one left all on her own at a bus stop with no one even knowing where she went. i shall have little cat in reins when he old enough to toddle off i fink.

had a lovely weekend after my week of cold, teething and now leaving the house.

miss bee came down on the friday. little cat was v pleased to see. even tho his tooth all hurty he was all good. i popped to town on the sat while miss bee babysat. she dealt with both poo and nap. nap in his bed. his dad never manages to get naps in his bed, he just goes for thre easy bouncy chair option. i impressed by the mad baby skills

ah it was nice to escape for a while. even tho i just brought lots of baby stuff in town

boy been away for ages now. i v frisky. stupidly. gotta last till sunday night. sob.

little cat with two fangs burst through his gums and sharp claws is all sleepy now so i gonna play pokemon till my eyes hurt.

god that was traumatic.

who would have thought a constipapted baby would cause that much stress?

little cat has been a bit bunged up for the last couple of days. he makes the very amusing I'm doing a poo face, strains till he red in the face but nothing happens.

babies don't necessarily poo every day so i wasn't that worried.

but this morning he was having real trouble. he strained till he cried and just kept crying. i took his nappy off to have a look and oh my gods.

the poor baby had a poo the size of australia trying to come out of a bottom the size of the isle of wight.

which is why moments later the baby was covered in ky jelly and i was holding his knees back and telling him to push.

ky is magical stuff. with a bit of pushing and squidging and a lot of screaming my little angle gave birth to a big brown baby boy.

i mean seriously he must have lost a quarter of his body weight! he seems much happier now. poor love. this little ones future now holds lots of prunes!

ah that was definitely too much information wasn't it? yup. i texted his dad all about it too. share the poo that's what i say.

oh and still no fags. i am officially and ex smoker. again.

I'm trying to create the most excellent cereal. yeah i bored and a bit twitchy from day three with no fags.

so far the cereal contains almond flakes, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds, raisins, dried cranberries, goji berries and bran flakes.

hmm. it kind of takes a while to munch yur way through but by god does it fill you up for ages!

what else could i add? if I'm going the whole superfood route i recon i need some blueberries and some bee pollen. yums.

i think it may actually need more cereal and less stuff. i actually like bran flakes and they lost under a seed mountain...

got a cold

boo.

little cat is being so good today, sleeping lots and smiling. hope he doesn't get ill tho.

toy soldier boy got me a pokemon game to keep me occupied while he away. sweetpea. what a good plan. fuzzy head full of snot and pokemon. last night i dreampt of them, both the cat and in the morning the baby transformed into pokemon when they laid next to me.

most odd.

specially as the squeak pokemon started talking to me.

don't you just love that fluey awake dreaming thing.

fight the cold, fight the addiction, fight the boredom (fight the power) and snug the baby. repeat.

snarl.

ok, I'm ok. no fags since thursday night. teeth still grinding but it not as bad as last time.

ordered a fuckload of takeaway sushi to take my mind off it last night. mmmmmm sushi.

i think my main problem is gonna be boredom. looking after little cat does get a bit dull. however cute he is there are only so many times you can spend trying to get a grisly baby to sleep before it becomes boring.

bored? smoke. doesn't make it better but it does break the time up. i need a replacement thing to do.

juggling?

blergh. ok anyway. almost 36 hours down. home stretch.

I'm too awkward to smoke now and ruin it so as long as no one thrusts a lit cigarette into my hands and i automatically suck on it then i just about given up. just got to ride out the last bit of feeling shit stuff.

sigh.

no text from the boy since he left. grrrr. not even starting the toy army crap till today. well no more cute photos of little cat for him till he says hello.

ohhh my head is fuzzy and i a bit cross. think i shall keep out of the way of people today.

toy soldier boy had his day off yesterday. the day off to give me my last bit of away from baby time for the next two weeks or so.

cept that he wanted to have a wander round town with me and the bab. twas a nice day out, sat on the beach for a while, browsed, got me a new ds game. but not quite the escape the baby day that i'd planned.

ah well.

pub in the evening. mr and mrs jewish mother and manga bear.

nice evening. i got pissed and very chatted. talked to about 10 complete strangers on the way home. including giving my tobacco to a tramp. cause today is the day i give up. again.

the slight hangover helps. no fags since 10 last night and not feeling too bad. gonna try and stay away from the nicotine replacement stuff and just go cold turkey but i have a feeling i will need more chocolate for that to work!

ohh my head is starting to get a big foggy. and my teeth are grinding. stupid withdrawal. stupids fags.

gonna stick with it tho. told the boy i was gonna quit this morning and he said, bet you don't. nice. thanks for your support!

snarl.

little cat has seriously discovered the letter m. for a while he was moooooing constantly and now he's moved on to the ace mamamumu sounds. which as you can imagine makes me smile a lot

apparently babies usually find the dada sounds first but obviously he loves his mummy more.

tis so cute, his little mouth opening and closing like a gold ish and his lips pushing together to make the ma sounds. it's like an episode of sesamy street. this baby was brought to you by the letter M and a whole load of poo.

yeah solids and poo. dats scary. on the plus side he has to strain to push it nappywards which is most amusing to watch. he sometimes goes crosseyed with the effort.

babies are cool.

grown up boys on the other hand are shit.

i'd been making lovely food all day. was greeted by turned up nose. toy soldier boy and little cat do really look so alike when they screwing up their faces and expressing disapproval.

okay then, never mind. wanted to get him in a good mood so we could discuss moneys. a subject guaranteed to start a fight.

yup.

well floods of tears from me actually. surprise.

i've worked out all our outgoings in incomings. it all adds up. all fine. will be a bit tight when my maternity stops but it's not for long and we will cope. but the boy has to pick at the figures. not in a constructive way but just for the sake of picking.

one of my outgoings, a relatively tiny £40 a month is paying for storage for my mum. this is all of my dads stuff that got moved out so she could sell the house. seriously not the best thing to pick on. no i can't make my mum pay it, no she can't have the stuff at her house, now you've done it you twat. tears.

weirdly the whole dead dad thing still upsets me quite a lot. mr emotionless can't seem to grasp this. and it's all my dads tools and things. the stuff that reminds me of him the most. neither i or my mother want to deal with it yet. so fuck off. twatface.

and that was the discussion ended.

great.

all i wanted was to agree to set up a pissing joint account and work out how much fucking money to pay in and instead i just feel sad.

grrrr.

well now there's not going to be any discussion. i'll set up the account, forging your stupid signature if i have to and then i'll by hook or by crook get a direct debit paid in from you with the amount that i think is correct.

blah. stupid money. it really should not be so hard to talk about. fucking accountants.

and he's off on his toy soldier games the weekend. great. and I've got a cold. really worried about having a really bad cold and looking after little cat on my own or him getting ill. tis scary. two whole weeks.

the reassurance from the boy that i was after this morning was not forthcoming. instead of the you'll be ok, it'll be ok i got you won't get a cold, how would you get a cold?

er, I've got one, that's why i was worried.

fine. never mind. i really should know better by now.

I'll just have to stock up on the lemsip.

phew we had a busy day yesterday.

at horribly early in the morning me and little cat took two buses to the dentist. the receptionist who usually looks after him was late so he had to sit in the surgery and watch me getting a crown fitted. he gurgled and mooed to himself happily. such a good bunny.

then home for grub and a nap then off out again to meet up with other new mum and her boo. ah she so sweet. and grabby. pinched little cats toy from him and whacked him round the head. friendly like tho

we went for coffee and i propped little cat up in the corner of the sofa i was sat on. after a while we noticed that he was no longer propped but actually sitting up on his own. what a clever boy

we had a nice chat and play with the babs and then other new mum decided we should take the babs round our work which was just across the road. i knackered by this point and little cat due a nap but as i hadn't been in yet i decided i should.

well it was fun but so tiring. lugging the massive babies around three floors and chatting. we both forgot how hot it gets in that place in the afternoon. how we managed to work in there is a mystery.

it was nice showing off little cat tho. and he liked the attention. was so well behaved even tho so sleepy. as soon as i put him in the buggy to toddle how he zonked out.

then we curled up on the sofa and had another snooze.

boy came home.

hmmm.

now he had told me that his two weeks of toy soldier crap was at the end of september. and that he had a couple of weekends away before that. i had assumed that as he was away last weekend he would be here this weekend. nope. this upset me cause i had plans to try and get the house in some kind of order then.

ah well, next weekend then i guess. not too bad...

er nope.

the two weeks aways starts the weekend after this.

when i heard this i just burst into hysterical tears and couldn't stop.

now i love little cat more than breathing and looking after his is ace but i need the occasional hour off or I'll go mad. but i haven't had one for two weeks now and it seems i have another three weeks of no break to go.

sob.

boy had to get me to take deep breaths to calm down.

so I'm stuck in a shitty house with a half built shed that i can't move any crap into cause it's well, half finished. can't put stuff into the loft on my own cause it takes two to get up there. if i can't make space then i can't get a carpenter to give a quote on shelves in the lounge. can't have five minutes to myself for the next month.

again i say sob.

we toddled off to the baby clinic to get the little cat weighed yesterday. low and behold it was actually the right time/date/location. yay. unfortunately a million other babies had turned up with various mums and dads and grandmas in tow too.

bum.

mums are by and large a friendly lot and one told me i should put my red book on the immense pile and when they got to it little cat would get weighed.

which meant we were in for a bit of a wait.

so we had a play. little cat was a teeny bit freaked out by so many other little ones. i plonked him on a blanket full of wigglers and he just sat and stared. he got into it after a while tho. we all put our babies on their tummys and they looked like they were flocking, all wiggling toward some obscure baby goal over in the bottom right corner of the blanket. one little girl was v cute, here wiggly technique was balance of big tummy and wave arms and legs as if swimming. little cat employed his usual on the face squirm.

twas quite fun. i guess i really need to take him to more of these things so he can meet other babs. but that means i have to talk to the mums. sometimes I'm just not feeling friendly enough.

we will see.

anyways after getting to the top of the red book pile and getting naked in front of a room full of people we found that little cat now weighs exactly 16 pounds. a teeny tiny bit under his ideal but almost perfect.

phew. that means i don't have to go again for a while. bugger socialising it was a room stuffed full of babies. it was cute but slightly hellish!

so after out busy day we went home to watch the last couple of episodes of battlestar galactica.

oh my gods. frack yes that was good. it was better than good it was fracking good. (i am considering replacing my bad language in front of little cat with sci fi bad language but this sometimes backfires, my mother still says smeg from when we watched red dwarf when i was little, not sure if she ever realised what smeg actually is and why i might not want my mother shouting it in public...)

if anything ever cried out for watching stoned it was that. damn and blast it. oh oh oh it was sooooo good. i need the next season right now!

tomorrow i have the dentist again again again for my crown fitting. fun. tis at 8.45 and i have to take little cat with me. ah rush hour with a baby. fab.

then we meeting chubby baby and her mum for coffee.

wow too much stuff. i likes staying in and babbling to the bab all day. think i may become a hermit mum

i swear you could use little cat as a device to remove fluff from clothes. he's always covered in cat fur, my hair and all manner of stuff. really don't know how he does it. grubby wee bugger.

he rolled off the sofa the other day. landed on his face. seemed mildly perturbed but fine. well tis a low sofa and it was more of a floorward plop than a crash. wiggly thing. we gonna be climbing the walls like an exploring kitten soon. must baby proof. and defluff.

nearly killed the boy. well wanted to. we'd missed him when he was on his toy solider games. he came back sunday afternoon sporting a very short hair cut and a very pink fleece. i think he was going for a gay soldier look.

all he did when he got in was moan, whinge and whine. grrr. i hadn't had sex for ages so was a bit frisky but he managed to piss me off so much i went to bed without. snarl. which made my mood worse.

then in the morning he told me i was using too much toilet paper. for fucks sake. seriously, do you have a death wish? the only way you can talk to be about how much bog roll i use is if you wipe my arse, otherwise piss off you freak.

idiot.

don't tell me what to do. ever. but especially over retarded things like that.

i really don't know what goes on in his head. what response was he expecting exactly? oh thank you dear, yes i do seem to be using more than the two sheets required for the job, i shall correct myself immediately?

or a toilet roll shoved up his nose?

twat.

calmed down monday evening by the time he came home from work. made sure to have some sex before he pissed me off. i.e., before he spoke. that helped.

today me and little cat are off to try and get him weighed. again. if I've got the date/time/location wrong again I'm gonna scream.

bet i have.

blah. need chocolate.

had a lovely day today. miss bee came down last night bearing pimms. yum.

little cat was all grisly and didn't want to sleep. either teething or just wanted to stay up to play with auntie bee, one of the two. anyways that meant we had to play with him lots

he finally went to sleep and we watched big brother with our drinkies. yay to brian.

then this morning we was all up early. well little cat was actually up most of the night, poor little critter. when the boy is away i tend to take him into my bed when he gets up too early. he gets such a big grin on his face when he wakes up to find me next to him. bless.

so we was up and into town for a browse. getting the hang of the new buggy was a bit wobbly. it seems to want to fall over backwards. that can't be right, surely?

we did ok tho. shopped while little one snoozed. spotted a few of the world moustache championship peeps or whatever they are. amusing facial hair abounded. really want to put a fake one on little cat but i don't recon he would like it much.

shopped out we stop for brekkie in a lovely cafe. little cat had woke up so i move the buggy a bit and take him out. we happily playing with him when miss bee points behind me. the buggy is quite speedily rolling down the hill. bum. i jump to rescue it but nowhere near as fast as this rather hungover fella who was sat at the other table. he sped to catch it cause the sweetpea thought the bab was still in it. as i told him i would have been running a hell of a lot faster if he was!

what an angel tho, my hero. he didn't know the pram was empty and looked like he nearly had a heart attack leaping to the rescue. fair restores your confidence in humanity. i likes the fact that complete strangers will leap to the aid of my bub

after that excitement we shopped a bit more and i loaded up on baby food. tis such fun to feed the little critter.

miss bee went home and me and little cat decided to watch a bit more battlestar galactica. ohhh it seems to be hinting that starbuck could be a cyborg. say it ain't so! nah it can't be. can it? oh i only got 9 or so episodes left. eek.

then feed little cat some bright orange goo. how come they make bibs white and baby food bright staining colours? ah?

half way through he was so covered that even after wiping it off he looked jaundiced. then he sneezed with a mouth full and splatted the both of us which gave me the giggles and marked the end of feeding time

i been spending the rest of the day making my purchases of baby food pointless by making my own. i made peach and baby rice, avocado and milky (mine not cows) and carrot and potato with apple juice. yums. i gonna make my little cat a big fat cat

now the little cats asleep, big cat too, the boy is probably shooting a gun in a muddy field with a bush on his head (well i assume that's what you do on toy soldier weekends) and i just noticed the half full bottle of pimms...

does life get any better?