All Sweetness and Light

fucking socks

worked all day. picked up the bab. took him home. played with him, got him ready for bed, calmed him down.

tired.

boy comes home.

we say hello cause little cat still not asleep. we ask for a hug. he getting changed.

comes in, about to hug, looks at my feet and roars with anger, outrage and disbelief "why are you wearing my socks?"

what the fuck? what the fucking fuck? why the fuck did you suddenly start fucking shouting at me about a pair of pissing socks? did you really want so badly to have another fucking shitty evening? why do you fucking care whether I am indeed wearing your socks? why is it such a fucking issues that you feel the need to shout about it?

and don't tell me to stop fucking swearing. it's all I have to illustrate how pissed off you shouting about something so fucking pathetic has made me.

twat.

he's cooking dinner, I don't fucking want to eat it, I don't want to be in the same fucking room as him.

he said he didn't shout, he was just asking why I was wearing his socks. I don't think he knows how angry he sounds. yes I know how fucking angry I sound and it's because I am indeed fucking angry.

how can you spit words out with that much venom and not mean it/know you are doing it?

doesn't my reaction to what you thought was an innocuous comment tip you off at all? do you just think that I am that mentally unstable that anything could trigger me to suddenly flip into shouting and swearing at you? do you really think it just comes out of the blue for no reason?

yes I really think you do.

so what can we do about it?

I don't fucking know.

on the bright side little cat thinks us screaming at each other is hilarious and was laughing his head off. so probably not getting emotionally scarred by the fighting just yet.

well that was an extra shit weekend with a side order of crap.

I was in a foul mood. a really bad mood. and toy soldier boys normal crap was just annoying me more than usual.

so we fought a lot.

blah blah blah.

and when not fighting I was just all depressed and listless. and not making anything which would have cheered me up.

and little cat while lovely is non stop.

had to get the little critter his first pair of shoes. he too big and it too cold for him to be just in his socks anymore.

so we snipe and scrap our way to Clarks. bless. when I said I wanted him fitted for his first pair of shoes the cute little shop assistant got loads of stuff.

he measured and fitted which little cat loved, gave us lots of vouchers and booklets and stuff, walked little cat up and down in his new feet and then took a Polaroid of the magic first pair of shoes moment.

v sweet but pos a little ott.

cor they are hard to get on. I think in-between buying them and getting the shoes home little cats feet have grown.

sigh.

£26 for a teeny tiny pair of shoes which will fit for a maximum of six weeks seems a wee bit steep too.

and the stupid washing machine broke.

I looked it up and it's probably the thermostat and I could probably fix it but god I can't be bothered.

so I'm buying a new one and have already given away the old one on freecycle. fab place to get rid of your crap and get other peoples crap to replace it with.

oh so blue.

I hate this. I was so happy just a little while a go and for no reason at all now I;m bloody miserable.

sob.

stupid manic cycle type thing.

not even mr jewish mother gleefully telling me that the ex and the evil one have broken up could raise a smile/smirk.

in fact I just feel really sorry for the ex. poor bugger. she never gonna entirely let him go tho. she never does. sigh.

I wonder if I can really subtly send lovely nice ladies his way?

okay. nice things. nice thoughts. happy smiley lovely things.

er....

buying loads of stuff off www.etsy.com that makes me happy.

making collages with newspapers

chocolate chip cupcake with butter cream frosting

little cat giving a high five and saying fivehigh

little cat jumping up and down on his dads head (he meant it in a nice way, I almost weed myself laughing)

little cat resting his head on squeak cats tummy and saying ahhhhhhh

more cupcakes

popping bubble wrap. I just brought a big roll. if you twist a chunk of it it sounds like cracking bones

people buying stuff I make and liking it lots (a groom at a wedding is going to be wearing a little steampunk stylie bee brooch I made, how cute?)

kittens. a big pile of kittens.

chocolate covered kittens... nope it's not working, small smiles are raised and almost instantly squashed by a big sad.

boo.

so for once the boy was back earlier than he said he would be. we were expecting him on sunday night but he appeared on friday evening. most unexpected.

little cat was very excited to see him. burst into tears, then demanded hugs then burst into tears again. bless.

boy was much muscled, v nice, but also v knackered and has a million bruises.

did not have fun.

saturday we had a lovely family day out to a chili festival thingy. yum. babies not so keen on chili tho it seems

maybe a bit too much chili tho cause the next morning I was woken by the bab, I was feeling really rough, a horrid cold starting, so when I heard the boy stir I was all happy someone else would be sharing the baby duties...

till I heard him throw up.

brilliant.

obv any boy disease trumps any illness I have so I would be stuck feeling rubbish looking after the bab and the boy.

joy.

he stayed in bed all day, occasionally throwing up into a bucket.

so sunday was not that much fun.

oh forgot about little cats Casanova incident

we went to the library on sat after the chili thing. little cat loves to run around there and there are always other babs to play with. well there was this little girl, a bit older than him probably. she was shuffling around happily and little cat started to follow her. he gets up real close and I'm on hand incase he swipes/claws/pokes but after a very gentle prod on the cheek he moves his head towards hers. oh I think, I hope he's not gonna bite her on the face, again ready to swoop, but the little darling kisses her instead.

ahhhhh.

he does it several times, little pecks on the face.

she's not looking dead happy about this unwanted affection so I move him away eventually but what a little cutie!

me and the girls mum were just a mess of big smiles and ahhhhh how cutes.

course now I'm thinking how come he never kisses me ah? I get bites on the face, I get hugs, I get snugs but no kisses.

boo.

and on sat evening he kissed his dad too.

I sulking!

bah

feel rubbish

lonely, frisky, slightly mad and really want a bastard fag.

grrr.

don't need one but god life is rubbish without them. baby goes to sleep, do I pop outside for a quick smoke? nope just stay where I am.

an hour goes past at work, do I celebrate by nipping out for a fag? nope. drink some more a million calorie hot choc instead.

blah.

and I have totally lost creative urge. which is a bit of a bummer as it's coming up to xmas and I should be stocking up www.tinyminds.etsy.com

but lack of nicotine has broken my head.

why was it that I wanted to quit again? (maybe something about coughing up blood, not being able to breath, stuff like that)

and I'm actually missing the boy now. not missing the nagging. or the fact I don't have to cook. not missing the constant fights and growls and snarls.

but do miss the sweetness. when he not horrid he lovely. course the horrid does sometimes overshadow the lovely but absence def makes the heart grow fonder.

little cat misses him too. I just know he gonna burst into tears when he gets to see his dad again on sunday.

stupid boring pointless work. then go home pick up lovely bab and have the same evening I have every evening. then put him to bed. then watch crap TV. then go to bed. then get woken up by little cat. then put him back to bed. then sleep a bit more. then have the same morning I always have. rinse and repeat.

hmmm. maybe I have sad. the days are getting a bit darker.

or maybe I just need some chocolate. stat.

hmmm

no fags since tuesday night. think the physical addiction is gone but god i want one.

boy has been away a week now, hence the frisky.

and as for the girls aloud. oh dear. took little cat for his very first macdonalds on sat. yeah. he ate a few frys. wouldn't touch the burger. yummed up the fruit juice. basically he not a fast food cat it seems.

but what he did like was the balloon a nice lady gave him and even better the little toy from the happy meal. tis a fake ipod type thing that you pull out a bit and it plays a tune. he got the girls aloud one.

arghhh.

something about a river? or something.

he loves it. holds it up to his ear, smiles and starts to bop.

it may just push me over the edge....

little cats talking is coming on by leaps and bounds now... kind of

he says bicket, gat gat, baba and baguette.

he also babbles all the time but these are the main words. now you may think that just four words would not communicate much but it all depends on the inflection and the situation.

for example bicket is a fav, I take it to be at it's base the word biscuit and sometimes it does translate to "mother I would like a biscuit please" other times its meaning becomes "mother please expose that breast a little because I need a comfy pillow and I shall not take no for an answer".

it can also mean "mother I would like something to eat, I will leave the choice of actual food stuff up to you, biscuit or not I don't care but if what you provide displeases me I shall throw it to the floor."

gat gat is a more simple expression. it most means "cat, I have seen the cat, I shall chase the cat" it can also mean "I have seen a photo of a cat/cat on the TV or cartoon representation of a cat". or sometimes a dog. I think he thinks dogs are big smelly cats, he not so pleased to see them.

pigeons and seagulls also get called gat gat at times. but most gat gat means there is a cat around somewhere.

baba means baby, child, small person, photo of baby and sometimes a news reader lady that he quite likes on the TV.

and then there is baguette. no idea at all but he does say it an awful lot

oh and how could I forget hiya?

he picks up a smallish object, preferably a mobile phone but almost anything will do, holds it to his ear and says hiya. no idea where he picked that up from, I'm sure I don't say it on the phone. but as it always gets a laugh he continues to do it.

for non verbal communication he is at present rather obsessed by his eyes, brow and eyebrows. he does his daddy frowning impression still but now this moves on to then raising his eyebrows as high as he can and wiggling them around. the response to this must be to do the same thing back or he will continue to do it and look like a little nutter.

also closing his eyes up tight and grinning can keep him amused for ages. specially if done while exploring a room. unfortunately this often ends in tears and bruises.

no not cause the boy's away (tho it is awfully quiet) but i miss big brother sooooo much.

yeah, i know, twat.

but i loved it. what do i watch every night now? the boy loved it too, as much as he denied it. if i was ever watching anything else when it was on he insisted i turn over

and now it's gone.

poo.

who do i hate now with no rex to loath?

bah.

won 30 squid on rachel tho.

poor little cat is wondering where his daddy gone. he climbed up to a photo of the boy holding a teeny tiny new born cat, pointed and said dada. boo. poor wee mite.

he's doing his impression of his dad a lot as well. big cross frown and a bit of a squint. still gets a laugh from me every time

haven't even got dressed today. lovely. and i made lots of messy stuff last night using the boys desk. ha ha. oh it is a lovely break not having anyone telling me off for a while.

my bed is cold tho. well it was till little cat joined me in it at 5.00am. we had a big lie in till 8,30 tho. yay.

oh i do the critter really. he a sweet pea most of the time. bit too much like rex tho.

bum now I'm morning big brother again.

so lonely

went to see mr and mrs jewish mothers new bab last night.

ahhhhhhh.

want one!

so tiny and utterly perfect. he popped out 12 days early so was still a little furry but wasn't all scabby and battered like little cat when he came out. a new born with good skin? so not fair

he has the longest fingers and a face that bears and uncanny resemblance to yoda. super sweet.

the newborn smell got the hormones racing tho. want want want!

I visited with red and another mate and cause it was with red we had to have a couple of pints first so I was really a bit merry to be handling newborns. but I behaved and didn't drop him so it all good. and cause even with the little critter they are perfect hosts I got another beer while I was there.

giggle.

then we left them to the cuteness and had a maccy d.

yum but yuck.

and me and red decided one burger wasn't nearly enough so had two.

mistake.

waddled home to make robots but vegged in front of the telly thinking about babies instead.

saw the nice ex housemate the other day. ah he such a sweetie. got a new job with no commute and more money and is now living with his lady and her kid. lovely. he looks all happy. yay.

now I guess everyone has moved out of the house of hell so I am probably safe to visit that part of town again. yay. it's a lovely place but I always got twitchy going there knowing I could run into the evil one and the ex at any time. course I don't know where they moved to, could still be the same area but I feel safer anyway

oh I hated living in that house. even when I was still with the ex it was horrid. I am not built to share living space with lots of people. guess tho if I want a ton of babies I would need to get used to it but fruit of your loins are different from housemates. you don't have to pretend to be friendly in the mornings for one thing!

toy soldier off on his two weeks of crawling through mud for the ta on friday. it's always hard being left alone with the little cat but I am also looking forward to it.

no one telling me off for using the hot tap, or cooking clay in the oven, or leaving a light on, or not keeping the recycling tidy or one of the million other things he moans about. no having to cook a bloody meal every night (tho is is being dead good with cooking at the mo, made ace duck soup on the weekend. yums)

a bit of peace and quiet when the bab has gone to bed will be nice tho.

no arguments, no lectures, no one ignoring everything I say, no one irritating me.

I do like him but god he gets on my wick sometimes